i do not know, i am at a lost. there is no manual to living your life, you learn as you go and do the best that you can do. but why is there no manual to life? billions of people have lived their lives, billions more have documented them. why is there none that teach us the best way forward? why is there none that can teach me what to do?

i had a dream when i was pregnant, i had a hope. it was exciting being able to create something, someone, whose character, looks and behaviour are waiting to be molded by your very hands. daunting definitely, but finally i can put out there something that is right, something that is good. i can teach my child to be the best that she / he can be, to be a good person.

two kids, two very different characters. the same person teaching. why are they turning out to be two very contrasting person with opposing values and principles? i've taught the little one, not one time, not two times, but so many that i have lost count, copious that i am repeating myself like a broken record, endless that i am beginning to grow tiresome, values that i know to be correct. don't lie. don't be lazy. don't leave things until the last minute. don't take things that belong to others. don't be unwilling to work for what you want. don't take things and people for granted. don't waste things. values that form the very core of who you are and what you become. principles that are the skeleton of your character. but it's not sticking.

what am i doing wrong? if he was a piece of blank white paper to begin with, what he turns out to be should be what i have imprinted on it. yet he is turning out to be totally different from what i have written. if monkey does what monkey sees, we have tried our very best to talk the talk and walk the walk. we are nothing like what lies before my eyes. what can i do? where have i gone wrong? it is most frustrating that there is nothing in life that can answer my questions. the one thing that means the most to me, the one thing that is of any importance, and i am not doing it right. there is no going back, there is no second chance. i need to bring up my child into an adult with the correct principles. but not everything that you want to do so very badly means that you can do. i do not know how to do. no books in the world can tell me. no brochure, no class, no website in the world so big. each person is so different. please tell me what will work for him. everyday is one day wasted.

i have never brought up a son. for all i know, they reach a certain age and then they understand. the light bulb lights up over their head, their brain matures and all of a sudden, they know. what is right and what is not. what is important and what is smoke. but can i afford to leave that to chance? can i look back and just say that i have done my best and sigh resignedly? this child of mine, my very flesh and blood. how will i ever be able to look him in the eyes if so?

such is the anchor that weighs in a mother's heart.