i remember there was a time when her gift was the most precious thing ever. a beautiful glossy-paged story book from london with the most amazing pictures. i can't remember the name of the book, nor do i have the book anymore, but i still remember the awe and wonderment when i flipped the pages. a book like that was rare and a real treat to the eight year old me. my shelves were lined with enid blytons in black and white and pages so coarse you could sand the table. so, to the little girl back then, it was the most beautiful book in my possession.

now, so many years later, a branded handbag worth so much more than that book echoes with emptiness. is it because she didn't mean to give it to me but only upon seeing that i was around, sent someone to scurry down to her car to retrieve it that the sincerity is absent? i can't help but think that there are many more such gifts of convenience sitting comfortably in the back boot. or is it because it is not the first time?

has she changed? or have i changed? or is it because the time, the place and our roles have changed? life was simpler when a gift was just a gift and not innuendos of intention. perhaps, it has always been, and my mind was too childish to recognise it. then again, aren't all gifts a tool for exchange of your affection? so why should i look at this with a more cynical viewpoint that the others? perhaps because this was not an attempt at my favourable consideration. perhaps because this was more.

i know i shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, just in case i find things there that i do not like. a gift is a gift, whatever the intention. i should take it as that and be grateful for the things that are given. sigh. it's easier to be grateful when the things are less materialistic, and comes with less attachments. a simple hand-drawn card, a sweet text message, a voice of concern when you need it, a hug from a friend......these things touch me more.

somewhere in my closet, i have a bag. beautiful as it may be, i am reluctant to look at it.

i wish i am less of an idiot.