learning to let go

i've come to a certain realisation. and that is i have sucky friends. well, friends that suck if such a term does not exist. about the two things that i really am passionate about in my life are my family and friends, and both sucks. sigh. when your destiny is such, you live with it and move on.

i guess many won't share my opinion that my family sucks, and in a way they are great. but in so many other ways, they SUCK. the problem is if i whine about all that's wrong about them and perhaps get the problems off my chest, i start to develop this abhorence about myself and my own character and values, so i'm pretty much stuck with just one word - SUCK (which is kind of nice to say because of the way it rolls off your tongue and you put every decibel of frustration behind it as you expel the word).

as for friendship, i'm not someone who is automatically warm and genuine to every single breathing soul out there. i do not have such magnitude for compassion to embrace superficial, conceited, ostensious and a huge variety of people. as such, i have a handful of friends, but good friends i consider them to be and that is the way it is for me. it sucks when those so-called good friends apparently do not regard me as such, or actually do not even hold any regard for me at all. for years i've borne the anger, the resentment, the frustration at these 2 friends who abandoned me in times of need. i've asked myself, was it me? what did i do wrong? was i not clear that i need their help? was there a major event in their lives that made them forget me and all the moments that defined our friendship? well, apparently not. they just forgot.

after so many years, out of the blue, he spoke to me again. he doesn't even have a tiny inkling that things are not the same. but i have let it go. the grudge for it was too long and too tiring to continue being angry for an extended time. the friendship for i have accepted that not all friendships are bilateral. no one can turn back the clock of time or undo things that have been done. we learn to move on.

the memories of good times tainted with disdain, regard spoilt by indifference. when i look back and think of the memories, the person that i see in my mind's eye is no longer that who is infront of me. that person in my mind is and will always be my good friend.