fire away

at 43yo i still have not fired a single person, and i do not seem to have the mental capacity to do so. granted, most people will not have fired anyone at that age either, but given the years that i have people working for me, it is quite a task. perhaps i am just lucky to have found good people, or more likely, i have been hiding behind a more formidable figure. someone who didn't need me to be responsible for many things, someone who will swiftly take up the post of authority and carry the world on his shoulders. behind that person, i have become a shadow.

i have never thought of myself as independent. or mature, for that matter. being the youngest in the family, there were plenty who had volumes to say that my voice was never heard. maybe it was also the side-effect of being a shadow. however, looking back, being sent away since i  was 10, i have subconsciously learnt to do things for myself. i just need the confidence to execute it.

a new employee should be relieved of his service, simply because he was so wrong for the job. i needed someone who could efficiently and effectively carry out his job description. quite simple and straight forward at that. he on the other hand was busy lying, evading duties, roaming out there in the wilderness of the city, planning scheming calculating nobody knows what. when you wanted him, he was not around. when you asked him to do things, it gets done, albeit hours and hours later. when you asked him to come, he sits around chatting. his excuses and stories will put j.k. rowling to shame. he needed to go. however, i keep giving him a 2nd chance, a 3rd chance, a 4th chance....so many that i have just lost count. each time i resolute to let him go, a few days later, i will soften and decide that perhaps it wasn't so bad after all. he will however give me new reasons every few days to remind me that he is so wrong for the job. in that he is quite consistent. again i resolute that i need to let him go. another tells me that others are just as bad. i soften. this vicious cycle is driving me half crazy and i am determined that this should be the last time. something so simple, why is my mind making it so difficult for me? how easy will life be if i was born mentally strong and opinionated?  it is too easy for me to empathise, to look at the other side of the coin and understand. i am in the wrong field. i will be a good nurse, a good teacher or even a good vet. heck, that was my childhood dream. a kindergarten teacher. aside from being miss hong kong and a tvb actress, of course. i did not think i will end up here, in board meetings, back stabbings and office politics.

i have never been suited for the corporate world and have always been a soft-hearted one. people like us are not cut out to be good mothers or good bosses. we are definitely not cut out to takeover the world. still, i should learn to believe in myself more, to trust my instinct, to harden myself against the masses wanting to take advantage. it is hard. i lament why the world can't just leave us to be ourselves. i am happy to be me, to be the soft-hearted, peace-loving, everything-is-beautiful me, but in this world, that me probably will not last for long. and in this complicated life that i live, i will not even last for short. we can never live the lives we want. we live the life that we can, to the best that we can.