eye have a story

well, it sure has been an eventful week. i have experienced many firsts again, which at 43 i thought i have already 'been there, done that' for most of the major checkpoints of life. that said, given the choice, perhaps i will not choose to experience the few firsts that i did during recent events. 'perhaps' is maybe too feeble a way to put it. i definitely will not choose to go through it. no sane people will. but then in life we seldom have a say in what cards are dealt to us.

it all started with a very innocent game of softball batting practice. you know, the type that continuously shoots the ball from a machine and the player is suppose to hit it. to make a long story short, the softball hit my eye directly at 60kmh. i don't know why they named it softball because it is anything but soft. ouch is right, but perhaps more like *@Y#*)&^#@* followed by &!&^#!#%&%#!&!&#%. the shock, the pain, the trauma that followed still haunt me very clearly when i close my eyes. the proprietor of the batting cage place didn't bother to show his face until i requested for some medical assistance, and neither did any of his bangladesh staff. their lackadaisical attitude towards safety, emergency medical support and operating guidance and instruction for their machines definitely leave something to be desired.

in the end, he did come, with an ice pack in one hand and a smirk on his face. which brings me to a very funny statistic that i compiled post-event. the first reaction that almost 70% of my friends and families that heard of it thereafter was to sue that bugger. omg, sue that guy. or 2nd reaction....omg how are you?! sue that guy! i don't know, i just don't want to go there. i don't want to be all angry, bothered and caught up in a who was wrong argument. what will i even hope to gain from all that? compensation? it's not worth it. an apology? will that turn the world anti-clockwise and turn back time? he's definitely no superman. awareness for other customers of the danger? googling that, there doesn't seem to be any other complain so i believe this was akin to striking lottery. i will have very much preferred the monetary version to this, but as i said earlier, we seldom have a say in what cards are dealt to us. and well, with such a windfall such as the lottery first prize, i have this wacky fear of karma. you win some, you will lose some. in my case, i am losing some.....so there is no way i will lose some more right? ha, my absurd sense of logic.

anyway, back to the injury. it wasn't a simple bruised swollen eye, as much as i will like it to be. i headed straight to the GP in the shopping mall for emergency attention, incase i die from brain haemorrhage or something like that. ok, i am somewhat of a hypochondriac but i think it's a justified fear in this case. :p not so, according to mr GP. if i had one i would have died in his waiting room and won't live through all that queuing for my turn. that's reassuring! waitaminit, then what about all those stories i have heard about people suddenly keeling over the next day because the brain was slowly haemorrhaging? oh well, if he said i won't die from it, i won't die from it. i definitely don't want to go into intensive hypochondriac mode at this point in time and imagine all types of scenarios to freak me out. breatheeeeee.

mr GP gave me some antibiotics, anti-inflammatory slash painkiller, blood circulation meds and to go back to see him  if it gets worse. if i survive the night that is....was softly playing at the back of my head but then that was what the people around me have to deal with, not me. death is always easier on the death-or as compared to the death-ee. morbid. oh well. i did survive the night, with ms pain and ms traumatised as my bedside companion. i couldn't even cry because i didn't want the pressure to build up in that eye. sigh. so logical as ever. best night sleep in a long time i believe. konked out more accurately.

the next morning i visited an ophthalmologist. after the ct scan i think she was even more dumb-founded than i was. she had her head in her hands. it was out of her field of expertise. ha. eye doctor. eye injury is too much for her. see the irony. to be fair, what i had was a blow-out fracture. simply put, the orbital floor was fractured and there was a big gap through which the eyeball was squeezed into from the force of the hit, and as such the muscles and tissues surrounding the floor of the eyeball is trapped and unable to be free. so i am seeing double vision. the median wall, which is the one next to my nose, is also fractured and some orbital fats (what! i have fats there too?! sigh) are squeezed there too but that is a smaller fracture and one of my smaller problem. yes, ms google queen have indeed become an expert in this field. with experience comes knowledge. it will be nice if i gain knowledge through the usual route like studying and reading, like people normally do, but nooooo, i have to do things the drastic way.

i'm lucky that the orbital floor fractured i am told. haha. lucky. funny how i don't really feel that but apparently it's one of life's unsolvable mystery that our body is constructed in such an intelligent self-healing, self protecting way. our orbital floor is designed so that should there be trauma or sudden force to the eye, the floor and the medial wall will collapse and the force will be redirected to another direction, as opposed to the rupturing of the eyeball itself. which is not a good thing because that will mean i will have to wear an eye patch and stand in line to be the next captain of a ship with a picture of a skull for a flag and go argggghhhh, ahoy me mateys! i really don't fancy having black rotting teeth.

so, anyway, ms ophthalmologist wasn't experienced in conducting orbital trauma surgery, as most eye doctors normally aren't. lasik, retina detachment or injury, those are the money making things that they get into. it's quite sad how our world is motivated by that abstract concept of worth on flimsy paper that can at any moment be nothing more than pulps of wood but such is the way our world revolve. anyway, she recommended me a plastic surgeon and will get in touch with me as soon as he returns her call. plastic surgeon. my first thought is finally i am going to see a plastic surgeon and i won't even get double eyelids, sharp tall nose, perky breasts or thin thighs to show for it!!!!! wth! that was when i realised she was out of her depth. that and the fact that she never got in touch with me after that. which seems a little callous to me for a doctor, what with the hippocratic oath and all, but i am resolved not to dwell on the negative. i wasn't very sure that a plastic surgeon is the best doctor for my injury as most of them will have mountain of experience with nose reconstruction, boob jobs, big lovely eyes and a little tummy tuck here and there. but the eye? it is a very delicate area with so much nerves, muscles and tissues and one false move may make the difference between the old me and a new not-so-improved cock-eyed near-blind me. onwards to the next doctor then.

i have never had a surgery. i have never had general anaesthesia. i have never had any serious injury. i had never been admitted to a hospital, aside from the two times i gave birth to the little two bumps that was residing in my tummy for nine months. i have never had so many people ask about me or worry about me. it was indeed an eye opening occasion, lame pun intended. in trying times you learn about people; those who love you truly but don't wear their hearts on their sleeves and are there for you when it matters, those that readily have a kind word to offer you but you neither hear nor see from thereafter, those that say the right words at the right time without anything else of themselves to offer and those who jump in with the sweetest words and the slowest mini actions. regardless of everybody's true sincerity, everyone offered a kind word. that should be what i look at and focus on. what we do or not do is sometimes a result of our own predicament, our own situation. perhaps some are too busy, some caught up in their own troubles, some didn't felt in the position to impose, some thought they have done enough.  i shouldn't judge. what i choose to take away is the kindest that one can offer.