falling

to all appearance, my injury has healed. the eye is no longer flushed with blood like edward cullen about to make a kill. the cheek area is not swollen and the eyelid is not bruised. the numbness in the cheek and lip is only slightly discernible to the perceptive by the tightness with which i smile. i look normal once again. only a friend who knows me well, with one glance, could tell that i was off. well, he wasn't telepathic or my soul mate. it just wasn't a very good day. the pain came back after i did some light spring cleaning and after too many hours of work behind the desk. it was probably stamped all over my face. eating, laughing and even just trying to carry up my end of the witty conversation was too taxing. i don't think i am quite ready to rejoin the social circle just yet.

i am that happy easy-go-lucky girl who handled my pain and injury with laughter and jokes. i choose to look on the bright side and be thankful for everything that has gone right. but today i realise i am also that girl who is on the edge of breaking down, that who is on the brink of neurosis. i wear the word 'traumatised' very lightly on the corner of my mouth but few take me seriously. i am anxious at the sight of people playing sports, chopping things, throwing stuffs, doing loud big actions around me. i jump when the cat leap to the side of my chair and the dog barks out of the blue. i panic when people say 'here, catch'. i can't think, can't function with noise and i need the quiet and tranquility to be at peace. i cry at the silliest and soppiest movie, but perhaps i have always done that. this morning, i looked at the mirror and saw that one iris was slightly higher than the other. that was the hair on the camel's back that pushed me into the spiraling abyss today. a million thoughts of gloom flew into my mind, unbidden and unwelcomed. i am drained. i have to remember that even though everything looks alright, i still need more time to recover....inside. and i have to take things slow.

one good thing to come out of all these.....i am finally eating slowly. i don't know if i am chewing more, like i should, but i don't gulp food down like a hungry ghost let out in the lunar month of july anymore. i have had that problem since the little ones were toddler (it's a survival technique. eat fast so that you can feed them or eat last) and it has led to so many digestive problem but i have never been able to stop myself. now all of a sudden i am cautiously picking at my food. i am afraid of the soup splashing into my eye, which is akin to striking lottery but nowadays i am striking so many lotteries, just not in the monetary sense.

so, on some days i will fall. i will want to cover up and hide. i will withdraw and cry. but i will stand up again and smile.