the longest week

finally, a moment to be with my thoughts, though i am not sure if that is a good thing.

it has been longest week of my life. i know i have always whined in the presence of my readers of how time fly past, knocking me senseless even before i am aware of it. i feel a little sorry for having said that now. now i know that only happy moments pass the fastest.

i looked at the paper, trying to make sense of the technical gibberish. having been kept waiting for hours, i am eager to return home to my family. the doctor appeared suddenly, speaking hushly and bringing me aside, 'did you read the report? there is something in her lungs'.

that was how it began.

it was closely followed by a flurry of activities; a long night of sleeplessness for all concerned, checking into the hospital and more medical procedures to confirm the diagnosis. my mil is the bravest person i have ever met and i am in awe of her inner strength. she is a woman who belongs to the older generation of selfless giving, loving and providing. in her heart, there is no space for her own well-being, only for those that she loves. no woman in this modern generation can mirror her inner beauty, and i am ashamed to say, neither can i.

if only money can guarantee health, we would have gladly exchanged all for a few more years of her life in the bat of an eye. the failed biopsy was only the beginning of the storm of bad news coming our way for the entire week. by this time, none of us could think properly. our brain was still numb from the shock of the initial diagnosis. no one saw it coming.

when the news reached the ears of my side of the family, everybody chipped in, offering help wherever they saw the opportunity. i have never been one to accept help in any form easily; i am very stubborn. however, this is way over my head and i am left with no choice but to accept all forms of assistance and advice. i need all the strength i can rope to help her fight this disease. those that i have always viewed with detachment as having a cold heart stood in the frontline, fighting it with me all the way. i can only offer limitless gratitude in my heart as no words that i can ever say will reflect the sea of emotions that i feel. so, i accepted it all quietly.

i have never thought of myself as a strong person. i cry at the soppiest movies, i sniffed when i read silly romance novels. however, in the past week, i have learnt to cut off my feelings. i know that if i break down, those around me will follow suit. i have to be the pillar of strength, and to provide cheer to brighten everybody's mood, as false as it all appears in my ears. strangely, it was not that difficult to be emotionally detached, as i am tired to the bone and when my body gets to rest, i ensure that my brain does not. this is not the time nor place for my brain to run free with its wondering thoughts. when i find myself thinking of all the 'what if's', i stopped it dead in its track.

i thought i was doing great. perhaps it was the tiredness. perhaps it was finally getting to me. after asking my cousin for another favour, for the countless times in so many days, and only able to offer her a meek 'thank you very much' in return, i nearly broke down with her reply of 'ka ki lang bian kong karm sia' (relatives, no need to say thank you) and an affectionate rub on my head. it was all i could do to stop my voice from breaking or the tears from spilling from the corner of my eyes. i have never been so touched by 7 simple words.

in times like this, we finally know who loves us the most.

i am given respite from all the stress for the moment. while i return to take care of the children and to attend to work, HD is holding the fort. the 8yo is crying every night and both of them are calling for me in their sleep. i have no other choice. when i am there, i worry about the children. when i am here, i worry about how he is holding up. i yearn to be by his side, taking care of him whilst he takes care of them. i want to hold his hand while he walks down this difficult road, to be his pillar of strength. however, i understand that by holding down the fort here, i am removing one of his burden, letting him do his filial duty in peace of mind.

i will continue to be strong here.

i miss him.