my world

i've often been told that i'm cynical, perhaps much more than a typical 38 years old should be, possibly more than any old person would be. i don't look into the mirror much nowadays because i don't like what i've become. yet it is not something that i can choose and pick, like the apples in the supermarket. the cynic has become the very core of me, driven by years of experience.

i don't know how many other people face lies on an everyday basis, words that come out from mouths measured for desired effect. conversations held not for social communication but so as to provoke a desired response. how did i come to be surrounded by such puppetry geniuses, i do not know but everybody's very skilled and talented indeed. i am the only amateur in the field of experts, choosing not to think too much of it or to read behind the lines. but if i were to let my guard down, even if only for a little while, i'll be taken advantage of and not realise it until too late. even the maids are playing the little game of manipulation, excuses flying out from their mouths before the blink of an eye. manipulated by a maid for goodness sake, i'll laugh hysterically if it's not depressing enough already. mr silly says i'm being too emotional about it. i don't know how many people will like playing mind games on a regular basis, day in day out. he's blessed because he doesn't have to do it, but he doesn't see the pain in mine. when something simple becomes complicated merely because others like to maneuver, to control, to change the course of action, life gets so tiring.

the saddest thing perhaps is not knowing when to turn off. not everyone in the world is so calculative, so manipulative, just the people i am surrounded with. somewhere, sometimes, there are people that you can trust, that renews your faith in innocence and all that is pure. i have friends that are true, they know who they are. the problem lies in being able to turn off that wall, that defense radar, to let my guard down for a little while. if there was such a physical switch, life would be so easy but the switch lies only in my mind. sometimes i read too much into a situation, but it's how i've been trained, how i've been taught. to my mind, the possibilities are endless and to be prepared is the only way to survive. whilst others are learning to walk out into the world, i was learning this. while others are learning to make a living, i was learning that acting all prissy, high and mighty and all cool and cold gets the job done.

most times i try not to think about it and just continue with my journey. at times, it gets tiring and pisses me off terribly. and i dream of a life some place else, far away from all the complications, far away from all the ugliness.