my uncle has left. he wasn't someone that i was close to but his name, his face has appeared sporadically throughout my 40 years of life. i was one of the little flower girls during his wedding, not that i can recall it vividly but the photos in the albums show me glimpses of my past where my memory fails. he was not close, yet i can't help but tear when i think of his departure.

i don't recall having one direct conversation with him, aside from work-related matters on and off. i have written his name many times during the course of working for my dad, yet i have never had a personal conversation with him. how can that even be possible? someone so familiar, yet so alien? i never knew him, i never knew the story of his life, now i will never have a chance.

it had all been too sudden, for me anyway. one day, very much like any other, when i was out shopping for groceries in the supermarket, my handphone rang. are you free to talk? uncle so and so has passed away. my body started shivering. this isn't how bad news should be relayed, so casually, so by-the-way. he had left. he didn't say goodbye, he didn't give anyone a chance to say goodbye. then again, as someone who didn't have anything to say to him for the last 4 decades, what would i have said to him? yet i can't help feeling like i wasn't given the chance to say my final goodbye, to bid him farewell to his journey on earth which, eventhough we had not walked together, we had grazed and we had enough destiny for him to be my uncle.

time has passed so fast, i have been so busy, one day so much like another that i can't even remember the last time i saw him. perhaps one year ago, perhaps two years ago, but i can still recall his face, his mannerism so vividly. it was like he has been around all this time. his absence wasn't really glaring, which is perhaps why his departure was. i was not mentally prepared to say goodbye.

at his funeral a sense of calmness overcame me. here, now, i will say my goodbyes, eventhough i have nothing much more to say than that. one cannot come into this world, walked all those footsteps, touched all those people and leave, without telling everybody close at least, without bidding adieu and thanks for the journey together. i did not fall into the 'close' category, that is without a doubt, but i was still relative. in my mind, every opening should have a closing, every hello should have a goodbye. how else do we close the door and move on?

we walked behind the altar for a glimpse of the body, for a final look at my uncle, to see him in the face and say a silent goodbye. i was shaken. did they put the wrong person in there? there must be some unwritten code that one should not stare at a dead body but i was pretty sure that was not my uncle in there. there was no faint resemblance at all. he wasn't even of the same built for goodness sake. realisation struck me. my uncle has been sick for a very long time. he was thin beyond recognition. he was a far cry from that energetic, fit image i saw in my mind. my heart ached. he must have suffered so much. this was perhaps better for him. i finally understood why he didn't want to say goodbye to anyone. i would have wanted to remember my uncle as he was then, happy and healthy. instead, now, when i close my eyes, i will forever see the final image of him, a sad suffering sick man, thin to the bones. i bid my uncle a silent goodbye, hoping that he is happy and healthy once again wherever he is.

my heart goes out to the widow, my aunty but i see her surrounded by her children. all grown up, all independent, well-behaved and very capable. they have also been suffering all these time. hopefully now they can move on, eventhough their hearts will throb with pain for a very long time.