my husband calls it growing pains. i have no name for it, only a certain unsettling phobia for deaths and overwhelming anguish. that i am no different than any other people i am sure, for who likes pain and sufferings, but at this moment of my journey i am on the brink of caving. my strongest virtue is empathy and perhaps also my weakest link. i cannot help but feel the pain that others are feeling and when i see sadness in their eyes, i share the grief too. for the last two years, i have attended more funerals than i had in my lifetime and i remember all too clearly each and every, including the pain that i see in their tears. whilst i know the dearly departed and are somehow related, i cannot be said to be close. still i am very unsettled and it takes me a very long time to recover, to forget, which until today i have not been able to do. only now the memories of my grandfather's death 16 years ago are slowly blending into the blurry images of time. i am particularly slow in adapting to matters of the heart. i imagine the pain and the sadness of those left behind, the days ahead, and the long journey behind. i am so very grateful that i am not in their position but tremble at the thought that i will be one day. i jolt awake in the middle of the night and i try my hardest to divert my attention but thoughts are like the raging river with no way of reigning it in. life has its ups and downs and it needs one to balance the other. at the moment there is no balance and i feel i have used up my stock of happy thoughts and warm fuzzy feelings. i need laughters, i need smiling faces and inspirational words. i need silly people and caring voices. i need to recharge. in the meantime, everybody. pleaseeeeee............. stay healthy and happy.