today morning, after the kids have gone to school and the hubs to work, i sat myself infront of the computer to check for updates on facebook, a routine i've practiced before i head off to the 'war-zone' myself. i typed a few cheeky comments in reply to daughter's posts and checked out some friends' updated status. then i came across jason kelly's latest post.

tears flow uncontrollably upon reading rie's last steps and the desolation that her mother is feeling right now, this very moment as i am typing these words, and probably will for a very long time. the loss of your children must be the worst nightmare for any parent and i shudder at the pain that she will have to endure for the rest of her life. when i think of that, and how hundreds of other parents are also experiencing the same heart-wrenching suffering in japan, i feel so helpless and hollow. my banter of only a few minutes ago feel so wrong and shallow.

i don't understand, and will never comprehend, how, and why one nation must bear such torment, such unfathomable sorrow. i've heard callous remarks by some that it's karma for all the pain that the japanese armies have caused during the second world war, but this is something that you will not even wish on your worst enemy. everybody, every single person in this epic disaster is innocent. there is no karma in thousands, and maybe tens of thousands, of people experiencing such horror, such pain, such torment. how do you live for the rest of your life with the image of having lost your loved ones in such a horrendous scenario? every single ticking of the clock, every minute of the day, the vivid images replay over and over again in your head. no life on earth should be worse than hell. yet they are so strong and so dignified in their grief. for that, the whole world salute them.

the 500 socks that we have hurriedly sourced, packed and shipped off seems like too small an effort, too measly a balm for their wound. should i send more? will it ever be enough? thank goodness for people like jason kelly, who braves the criticism of biting observers who have their hands folded infront of their body in dormancy. i thank him not only for the survivors who are receiving clean socks but also for people like me, who are able to do our very little bit for them, for giving us a chance to make the tiniest of contribution.

i feel very sorry for the survivors, but i am not stupid. i will not give cash donation (except for that one time to a temple which i figured if they don't forward the cash, it will still be to a temple after all) no matter how much i wish to help because i know, with so much certainty, that the money will never reach - no matter what organisation. the evidence is there for everyone to see. is there any report, ever, of any single survivor having received the money? has any government organisation received even a single yen? infact, the japanese government has not even made any request for cash assistance. so where the hell is the money right now? the hundreds, thousands and even millions that kind-hearted people have given out? there are a lot of very rich organisations and people out there right now, thanks to the japanese tsunami. if ever there was karma, perhaps these people should learn not to swindle from tragedy?

for me, after laying down my sadness here, i can turn off the pc with a click of the button and go about my day. for them, the survivors of the tsunami, they can never turn off the memories that are seared into their hearts.