knock knock. my heart is going knock-knock-knocking. the doctor says it's alright if you have a structurally sound heart, and apparently without actually seeing it by x-rays or scans, she knows i have a structurally sound one. sorry, did that not come across as sarcastic? well, it was. an ecg and a stethoscope tells her that, and god knows what other superpower she possesses. i assume i have a sound one by the way she sends me on my way and told me that i am alright, if i do not drop dead. ok, fine, i added the drop dead part. she just sent me on my way, without even telling me when i should make a second visit. one hundred eighty dollars for a few minutes of chat and a cold stethescope tapping across my chest and back. damn, i am in the wrong line. should have gone into medical.

frankly, i suspect that doctors know little about hearts skipping beats and doing tap dances in your chest. according to what's written on the world wide web statistically people have been known to live long and healthy if it's benign, despite that particular organ doing breakdances and street dancing every now and then. so my doctor was very certain, and dismissive, when she told me that i'll be alright if it's a benign ectopic heartbeat. IF being the keyword here. if it's benign. if you drop dead suddenly, then what do you know? it's not benign :-p

actually, despite all the talk, i'm not so worried about the drop-dead part. i'm so lazy it's not surprising that my heart will take the easy way out and beat one less time if it can. heck, it'll even skip 10 beats at a time, if i can still breathe and survive. however, it is very very uncomfortable. do you know the feeling when you are frightened out of your wits? when someone / something pops out suddenly from out of nowhere and your heart drops to the bottom of your chest? that's how it feels like, except that it happens every minute or so for a span of maybe 30 minutes to an hour, and then it disappears again, waiting for the next thing to trigger it off again. not a great feeling to have your heart crashing to the floor at supersonic speed and leaving you gasping for air, is it? most distracting and unpleasant.

yet doctors tell you that it's perfectly alright, without so much as the batting of her eyes. i don't know what's alright with my heart not beating every so often. she tells me to come back if it continues. it's continually happening for more than 3 weeks now. how else is it suppose to continue before she examines me beyond that stethoscope? one week, one month, one year, 10 years? she didn't say. doctors. when will they have more empathy for their patients beyond ...it's benign, so live with it.