unloading

life is tiring enough handling all the senseless chaos and mundane fire-fighting day in day out without the hordes of selfish, greedy and rumour-mongering people to bring further stress into life. sometimes i wonder if it is possible that others also live the life that i do or is it just me and my over-sensitivity that is finding it difficult to digest. life will be so much more beautiful with a little more sprinkle of tolerance and a dash more of love. yesterday i listened to sis-in-law rambled incoherently at the dinner table a little too wildly and a little too loud about her 'future daughter-in-law'. how the latter hid in the toilet when she came home to see her. only thing is her son is 16, the girl is not in a relationship with him and doesn't reciprocate his feelings, he is right next to him and humans do go to toilet at one point in their lives or another. i guess all mothers are insanely jealous when their sons have replaced their girl on the pedestal but with all our years of wisdom and experience, we probably can dish out a little subtlety and tolerance. i do agree that she is not worth it, but still respect will not be lost. a little respect for someone else's daughter and for her son. yesterday i lived through another day of mother harping on my back, nagging and grumbling on how i was cooking it wrong, despite the fact that she was the one asking me to cook it, despite the fact that i was the one who taught her how to cook it and despite the fact that i was not cooking it any differently from the other hundred times, despite the fact that it was the not the first, nor the last, that she was harping on me. it's just getting worse with the days. but it's all part of life, of growing old, of how things are meant to be. i understand and know right down to the bottom of my soul all the preachings about how it's a blessing to be able to cook for her or help her, how it's wonderful that i have this time with her and i do feel it whole heartedly. doesn't stop it from driving me up the wall though. yesterday the rumour monger was hard at work spreading more chaos and tales from deep inside the crypt of her mind. how much more can i take, someone who turns tales around, who tries to poison others with her lies, i don't know. i believe i can always live another day. and then another day after that. and then another day after that. life goes on, despite how tiring it sometimes can be. yesterday i battled with the usual fires, putting out problems that sap at my energy. the stupid handphone just kept ringing, incessantly whining, bringing me more chaos that i care for. how i hate that thing that mankind call a modern convenience. to whom indeed? yesterday the hubs made an off-handed remark that showed how little he appreciated how much i am doing, and how tired i am. wasn't the first time, nor will it be the last. when we return home, and both daughter and i collapsed on the sofa side-by-side, exhausted from the day's flow of events, the question 'you look so tired' floated in the air, but it was directed only at my daughter. how a single simple sentence can sound so sweet, if directed at the right person. how one word that acknowledges you is all that it takes to make everything alright. how it floated to the ears of the wrong person and did not become the balm that it could have been. i can only put it down to men and that's how men are, rather than harping on it, rather than letting it wedge a splinter into my heart. i'm pretty good at that. letting things flow over me whilst i remain still like a statue, unhearing, unfeeling, unhearing, unseeing. yesterday i sat and listened for the longest time to father share a part of his thoughts. by that time of the day, i was so tired it was all i could do to stop myself from yawning, but i nearly lost the fight against my eyes closing. nearly. it was something that he doesn't do very often, share the big picture with us. being with us heart and soul was also not something he does often, unless the talk turns to business. it wasn't so much that he was passing his knowledge, as hubs seem to see it, and definitely now why i was listening. but a man sometimes need to share, sometimes need to talk and let out all that is inside, and few can be in the position to listen. especially when that man is a head of many corporations and have the big picture in his head that others are not privy to know. i think of it as theraphy session for the health of his soul.

when i think about it, there are so many things wrong with my family. and i wonder if others have families like that, or am i living in an episode of a prime-time drama. i wonder if others have parents who love the son more than the daughter. i wonder if others never listened to their children. i wonder if other parents never spent time with their children whilst growing up. sometimes i forget how my childhood was like, but the pictures that i remember in my mind are all me being by myself, of them rushing here and there, or relaxing, it doesn't really make a difference, by themselves, whilst i am alone. how my childhood differs from that of my children. yesterday i had more than a fair share of chaos. but here i am today. and today is another new day.