look who's back

i'm back (waving to imaginary fans). after the longest hiatus, I am finally back. you can throw a celebration party, you can scream and shout with glee at the highest mountain, you can turn cartwheels, (you being my imaginary and non-existent readers)  it's ok with me. i have come to realise that i need this. this may not need me but i need the verbal diarrhoea, i need to learn about myself as i write it down, i need to remember, i need to let it out. and with virtually no fan base, no readers and no one to judge, i am pretty free to be me. yippee!

life has become a routine without writing about it. i do not reflect about it, i do not observe the interesting in the hope of finding something amusing to write, i do not live it. i just go through it day in day out doing the same things everyday, except for the days when things get so hectic but that is a tale for another day. in short, i have switched off my brain. which is such a waste, since it was so witty and funny. hahaha. joke, joke, that was a joke. sheesh.

i have tried to write elsewhere....on a paper, in another blog, in mobile phone. none of it works as well as my old haven. things have changed some what. i am embarking once again to find the real me and to get to know the real me better. in this big world with a population of 7 billion people, there is no one, not a single person, who sincerely wants to do that. it sounds a little pathetic to be sure. but when you think about it, why would i need another person to want to know about me. in our lives, people come and go. best friends stay and leave. the only constant is ourselves - me. the only person who will always be with me is me. so, the only person that should know me the best is me. it is not bigot talk, it is just being cynical, being realist and being self-independent. besides, understanding is a 2-way thing and i have too many secrets to keep.

my children have grown. somewhere along the way i think i have failed at being a wonderful mother and settled for being mediocre. teenage children....when motherhood is at the hardest. i have hid and cried when my son brushes me off and warms up to his friends, i have teared when i realise my daughter no longer needs me like when she was little, i have felt sad when i realise they no longer want me around and want more space. i have tried to be there for them and yet leave them alone. i have sobbed when i knew i was not appreciated, nor acknowledged. but that is all part of motherhood, and i take it all as part and parcel.

so, let's take this journey together from here onwards, just you and me.