an ear to hear

sometimes i wonder, is there some inherent fault within me? am i someone that leaves a poor taste in the mouth of others? maybe at times insincerity leaks through and others are painfully aware of the high walls that i put up. not insincere, i don't think, but cold most certainly; guarded and perhaps protected. i do not reveal my innermost feelings, or opinions, to say the least. why should i? most people are not interested in what i really think or do, they are only interested in the reflection of their mind and action. i am no longer twelve or twenty-one, i cannot afford to speak my mind and act like a rash teenager. life has consequences. but surely, being amiable and pleasant is not displeasing?

i promised an elderly woman two weeks ago to accompany her for an errand. i told her from the very start that i could only make it 2 weeks later, when there is a comfortable lapse in my schedule. 2 weeks down the line, i texted her early in the morning to fix the date for tomorrow. she called me in the afternoon, to say that she was already on the way to run the errand. it left me with a very funny feeling. did i do something wrong? or am i thinking too much? if 2 weeks was too long a time to wait, she wouldn't have waited until that very day to go. if she didn't want my company, she wouldn't have responded so warmly to my suggestion that i accompany her. yet, she chose not to reply to my message until she is finally on her way.

another friend was moving back to her hometown, after staying in the city for more than 15 years. i asked her to give me a call before she moves back, thinking that we can have a last farewell dinner before she leaves. one day i suggested having dinner, in anticipation of her upcoming birthday. she texted back to say that she was leaving the next day. again i was left crestfallen. she's leaving without informing me at all, and not giving me any time to say my last goodbyes. did she not want to see me one last time? has our friendship turned unpleasant without my realising? exactly what am i doing wrong again and again that people are turning away from me? someone please tell me!!

i just don't understand it. at times like this, i miss having a best friend, a sister, someone to open up my heart and analyse the situation for me. someone to tell me what i did wrong and to see it all from a bystander's viewpoint. perhaps it is because i never had such a person in my life that over time, i find i cannot open up to any single soul and can only voice out my true feelings in black and white. someplace hidden, so that others can not see. it has been a lonely journey, but life such as it is, goes on.