what will i be?

everything is a matter of getting used to. new environment, new places, new people, new situation. thrown into the deep blue sea of unfamiliarity and of the unknown, my soul grasp at the remnants of the past, claw at the memories dissipating into the air. stepping gingerly each day into the circumstance that is now, i look around for comfort, for any sign of the familiar past, for a warm face turning back to have a last look. i find none. i have no choice but to move on, one day at a time. maybe not now, maybe not right this moment but one day. one day i will get used to the strangeness that is facing me. one pair of feet stepping on two new alienating worlds. too soon, too quick, too much. both i can do nothing about but to adapt to.

but what will i do if i do get used to not missing you? what will i be if i get used to not thinking about you? who will i be if i get used to not remembering your face, your smile, your gestures, the little things that was once you. i will be lost. when someone dies, a part of you dies with them.

we are all a sum of our memories. we cannot bring any of the material things that we have amassed. we cannot leave with the richness, the fame, the possessions. in the end, we are what others remember of us. a part of my memory is locked in her, and a part of her memory is locked in mine. i will never be able to find another person in this pale blue dot who shared the memories of the times we had in high school, of the jerks we fell in love with, of the snobbish classmates and the late nights, of our fears and our tears. that part of me is lost forever with her, but that part of her will remain with me, until it evaporates into non existence.