still acclimatising

motherhood is hard. when they were young, it was physically hard. the uncomfortable 9 months, the pain endured during child birth, bruised nipples, sore wound, sleepless nights. bringing half of the house out with baby, the carrying to sleep. everything centred around the baby. you lose your identity, you lose your self, you forget who or what you are.

when they get older, it becomes emotionally hard. one minute they need you, your guidance, your support, as they gingerly step out into the big, cold, scary world. they want you there, beside them every step of the way, encountering all new things together. you share new experiences, new moments. you understand, you bond, you love.

the next moment, your very presence itself spoil your best friend's moment. are you kidding?! no one brings their mothers to such events and places. you never did. peer pressure or spreading wings? it doesn't even really matter which. i feel like the little teddy bear who couldn't go on the overnight trip because no one does that anymore at that age. if only i have cotton stuffings inside too, instead of a heart that can hurt.

it is the same everywhere, of that i am sure, with other families, with other teenagers. they love you still, there is no doubt. the loosening of apron strings is not a new topic to be discussed. you want that for them too, to be independent, to be confident, to be able to live their lives. however, when you were that close, the shift from such extreme poles in a matter of weeks is not the easiest thing to adapt to. you fall back into the shadows once more, to be there only in that small crack of time that they remember you.

i thought i had acclimatised. but it still hurts to actually hear it from their mouth.