warning: this post may be confusing to some, whilst others, who have been walking this road with me, may know what i am talking about. if you do, congrats because you can say you know me now.
this is my 85th post. i am fast reaching the milestone 100....which gets me a little reflective and contemplative today.
i joined the blogosphere just before she posted her 100th post herself, amidst cheer and jubilations from her fans. shortly after that, she left. it feels very strange. almost like she has passed the baton to me, although unknowingly, for me to continue entertaining her friends while she is gone. i am a far cry from her; her lively delivery, her spirit, her witty and amusing charm. yet, i can't shake off the way fate has arranged for us to be in this blogosphere, in this same space, but at different period of time. i can't help feel the slight tinge of guilt nibbling at my conscience, reminding me that perhaps, by some agreement that only the powers that be will know of, only one of us can exist in the realm. if so, if this destiny is true, i will leave this instant and return everything to the way it was.
i seem to be gambling with the higher forces very frequently nowadays. is this what they mean by selling your soul to the devil? i make another pact today. if she can return to the blogosphere before my 200th post, i will leave this blog forever.
which brings me to another question in my mind. who are my friends?
is she my friend? the one who watched me grow up and walked down many a-roads with me? yet, at the same time, the one whom i could never pour my heart out to. she was always there, but never there. we always talked, but we never seem to talk. i know that it is my fault, my own shortcoming. i could never open up and perhaps, in turn it never encouraged her to open up too. i know her. but did i really know her? many times in life, we think we know someone very well. we know what they do, what they think and what they say. but when i read her blog, there were many things i still did not know. her deepest fear, her deepest thought. through her blog, i understood her a little more. i just wished i had more time to let her know me as well. to let her know of my blog and in turn, read it to know me a little better. would she have ever been interested to?
or are c and i my friends? fate threw us together and gave us a chance to know each other better. fate gave us the venue, the time and the opportunity. we spend so much time talking, pouring out our hearts' that i thought we were indeed close friends. did i mistake their curiousity for concern? did i misunderstood their obliging manners as friendship? all the times that they listened to my woes, were they merely being polite? it is a shock to my system. and a shame to my pride. i don't want to believe all that i had put into the friendship was just a one-way flow by someone so desperate for a listening ear. yet, i found out that when i cut off my contributions, there was nothing left. when i stopped calling, no one called back. when i stopped initiating meetings, no one asked to meet up. but how can this be? how can it be after all our closeness? after being able to tell them things that i have not even been able to tell her? sometimes, fate is as simple as asking the right question. and you will get the right answer.
if they are not, then are my readers my friends? some that have been present since the birth of this blog. those that have been by my side through thick and thin. those that have always offered a kind word when the going gets tough and i just want to crawl up and hide. those that have always listened to me, no matter how bewildering or boring the post may be? or are they looking for a return favour for me to visit their blog? as fei said, every visit we receive is probably a result of 3 visits to others' site. is this just 'you scratch my back, i scratch yours?". do you read my blog because you want to know a little more about me? or do you read my blog hoping i will continue to read yours? i don't want to believe that to be true for if i am to be so cynical, there is no more joy left in life.
so, we choose to believe in whatever we have to.
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17 comments:
Woohoo... Welcome to the cynics' realm! The thing is, you will never know well enough if someone is seeing you as their friend or otherwise, just having underlying motives. I guess it is up to you to shield yourself behind the protective shield of cynicism, or take the plunge and give those who your instinct tells you a chance to see if it is worth.
Risk-free stuff are usually unworthy of your attention and woes. No risk, no gain, I guess?
While you're wondering if others who you treat as friends do the same to you, have you ever wondered if those who treats you as acquaintances worry that you do no see them as a friend in turn, and hence the reluctance to bring your intimacy and trust to a deeper level?
I read you because you read mine at first. And that is how I found you as an acquaintance. Or friend, if you allow me to. I wonder if two cynics make good friends or good enemies... Hehehe!
Confucius said
IS it not wonderful to put one's learning into practice? Is it not wonderful to welcome friends from afar? Is it not a gentleman (or lady) who will not offecnded if others fail to notice his great qualities?
hmmm
dear ian: wow. all the comments are so deep. give me a minute to re-read.....my instinct tells me to shield myself behind this ever-thickening cynism....but it's not a good or happy way to live. i took the plunge once...and got hurt. hmmm..the part about acq worried that i do not see them as friend....i have a tendency to act very cool....also because of the very thick wall of cynism. i do not easily open up and do not encourage acquaintances to do the same. haha. cold, right? well, with acquaintances, you get bitchy talks more than anything. and you can't be sure it's sincere and genuine...so, in which case, better not to hear at all.
ah-ha! i knew it was a 'i scratched your back and you scratch mine'. *rolling eyes to the air*. but that is how it started. how it continues will depend on us. or our cynism. hahaha. will cynics forever be second-guessing their friends' motive? that will be damaging. friends or enemies? we shall see (spoken like a true cynic leh)
dear robin: this is even deeper.
1st: i guess it is nice to put one's practice into learning, unless one has already learnt to be a cynic.
2nd: it will be lovely to welcome friends, from near or far, provided they ARE really friends
3rd: then i am a lady for i am not offended if you do not notice that i am kind, gentle and considerate. but i am inevitably hurt if a 'friend' acts falsely and pretend to be a friend when all they care about are those comment numbers.
does that beat confucius?
damnnnnnnnn! i must also add here that i must be having problems with my eyes. why is it that i can never pass the word verification on the first try? my own spam prevention technique is preventing me from leaving a comment on my own blog! and it happens everytime.bloody!
Liak-bo-kiu (catch no ball) on the things you say.
Whatever it is, you can't leave us high and dry. You have no choice but to continue blogging otherwise I will sue you to the highest court.
i am your friend :)
I read because I like what I read. and if there's anything called a blogger pal, then I am one. :)
I hope she could return to blogsphere soon, too.
For the scratching backs part, I actually meant if we don't reach out to others, how would we be able to build bridges to new possibilities? In this case, there are many people outside whom I believe can connect with me, but if there isn't even a beginning, how will there be anything?
What I am suggesting is, scratching each other's back could be deemed as an underlying motive in the beginning, but it is one of the few ways to contribute to a growing friendship. Seriously, I didn't expect people of your batch to want to be my friend due to the age difference. I have always wondered if I'm a kid who hasn't seen enough to be able to make a decent conversation with you all, other than cracking humourous jokes. Having someone who's been around this world way longer than me to acknowledge me is an honour.
I'm not a true cynic yet, just a gullible idealist growing more and more cynical. I still have a lot of optimism left in me. Yet I am trying my best not to become a victim of manipulated innocence.
(My eyes are sometimes unable to get the word verification right the first time too.)
dear licky: then you haven't read my blog regular enough *grins*. you have to keep up if you want to know the real me.
dear wuching: hmmmm....to believe or not to believe? that is the question.
dear may: thank you. and that is enough.
dear ian: just because i am older doesn't mean i know more. i don't hold the same attitude as our peers who deem that they have eaten salt more than us eating rice. i not necessarily know more than you, we just know different things.
here is where we differ becos of our age. whilst you are beginning to learn to look at things from a cynical point of view, whilst grasping firmly onto your innocence, adding a little healthy wariness to your trust, i am already a true blue certified cynic. by virtue of age and experience. hanging around people like you helps me learn to lose a little of that hard sharp edge.
if my acknowledging you is an honor, and in turn that makes me feel realllll old, then consider yourself invisible. poof. hahahaha.
i get you on your scratching back bit. but when you are a cynic, it's easier said than done. however, all that scratching couldn't have been all bad as i do acnowledge you as a friend. *hi five* by the way, we both need prescription glasses. hahaha
10Q for quoting me. life liddat. we do something cos other expect us to. but there is nothing wrong in dat. we only have 24 hours a day and if someone uses a fraction of that to put a little smile on my face, i accept it...at face value and from the bottom of my heart. vice versa.
thank you for bung cheong...hahaha!
Every friendship starts from somewhere and whether it will go far or not is very much depends on how much effort you've put in to nurture it. I am your reader last time and now I'm your friend. *winks*
To be frank, your blog sometimes I don't read.
Why? Because hoe 9 cheong hei! LOL
dear fei: nice and simple theory. and a good one cos it keeps you happy.
dear titoki: thank you. and that is more than enough.
dear cock: hahahaha. appreciate your honesty. next time i'll include a summary paragraph, just for uncle cocka. so, you just skip to the summary, ok? *grins*
I liked what i read, that's why I kept cumming back. I commented in your blog hoping that by knowing someone is reading what you wrote will spur you on to write further.
now that you can stand on your own 2 feet, i think it's time i move on.
Waaahhhh...... I sound like Confuse-cious! Hahahahaaaa......
don't ah pek. i write because i know ah pek is reading. ah pek is the first person who read my blog and supported me all the way. for that, ah pek will always be my mentor. i don't like to comment on people's blog who get too damn popular...but ah pek's blog i will forever 'pong charn' even when he become world-famous. i knew from the start that ah pek's initial move was to gear me on and i also very 'kam tung'. that's why, on some low days, i feel like i am just writing for ah pek and only ah pek is really listening to me *grins* if ah pek don't read, i've got no motivation. you must stay with my blog forever, ok? until one day when i decide to leave.
Glad you felt that way..
In life, we meet acquaintances, which not necessary need to be friend.
Sometimes between good friends and mild acquaintances there is
an extremely thin and delicate line - something that seems not to be able to withstand harsh words (in some case, reckless comments).
Many a time, harsh words result in endless cycles of
problems; one problem appears and passes, and soon another one begins.
Friendship, peace and loving kindness are the
hallmarks of wisdom and happiness and I certainly hope to see them in the blogs that I visited, (otherwise I won't come back).
If we want to have friends, we have to learn how to be a good friend first.
dear robin: i don't mind harsh words or reckless comments, if it is all sincere and genuinely from someone who cares. someone who ultimately has your best interest at heart.
unfortunately, friendship isn't one-way, as i've learnt. it's not how much you give of yourself or how good a friend you can be. but also how the other party feels about you or reacts to you. you can give till you are blue in the face...but they can still turn their heads and forget you in a second. i don't know why.
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