apple of the eye

wasn't going to blog today because i am too tired......but hey! i'm a professional blogger. in the face of adversity, we persevere! *grins*

after dinner last night, as the family was sitting around the table talking, a little snippet of the conversation brought me back to my distant past.

my family is a traditional one, where the sons are favored over the daughters, simply because of their sex. behaviour, credit, demerit...all do not matter for it simply boils down to the fact that the male child will carry on the name of the family, as in all chinese families. it's not a new story, all chinese families, heck even non-chinese families, will have favouritism of one sort or another.

it's not a big deal, especially when you are on the receiving end. however, if you are on the other side, where no matter what you say or do, you know deep in your heart you'll never gain the favour of your parents, it hurts a great deal and is an obvious thorn in your side. when you are a child, the love of your parents is perhaps the be all and end all. some parents will make an effort to mask that fact, bless their hearts and not let the favouritism seem too obvious. others do it so blatantly that it seems cruel.

a secondary school friend of mine recently spoke to me about how troubled she was, perhaps still is, over the favouritism that runs in her family. she's in her 30s with a family of her own....and yet this is something that continues to disturb her, something that she has not been able to let go all these years....so much so that she had to see a psychiatrist to learn to let go.

i can't say i have it that bad. to me, it has always been a fact...a fact that you know and accept. perhaps when i was younger..and less rationale, i've shed a few tears, spent a few nights in frustration...i remember vividly the times when it was proven time and time again that my brother was the apple of their eyes. i resented the fact that he did not have to lift a single finger, that he had all the freedom in the world, that he had the best things....it hurt when others pointed out the fact blatantly in my face, with what lurking intention i do not wish to know.

however, i don't know when, i don't know how.....over the years, i never thought as much about it. it was a fact that paled with time. when cruel do-gooders think that by reminding me of it is serving me a favour, i shrug in response. my skin has thickened with time. i knew that no matter how much i am loved, i love them with all my heart....for they are my parents and forever will be. so, the question of who they love more hardly matters.

fast forward into the future, i now see with my own eyes that my mother loves me as much. loving is not in the talk, it's in the actions. the fact that i am a daughter does not seem to matter. she worries when she thinks i am suffering. she asks for my opinion and takes them into account. her actions speak louder than her words. i am after all her child. her flesh and blood. i am blessed to have someone who loves me so truly. unfortunately, in this world, we can't say the same for the many people that surrounds us.

a lesson that i have learnt from all this years perhaps? that it matters not how much you are loved but rather how much you love. if you love in sincerity, you will be loved.