goodbye 2011. 2012, can you hide in the corner and wait for a little while? i'm not quite ready to greet you yet.

2011 saw my eyesight taking a sudden turn for the worse. my hubby has jested that hyperopia will hit me when i turn 40. i was still shaking my head with laughter when i suddenly find myself holding my reading material 2 inches further. exactly at 40. it's like the warranty period on my eyes just ran out. sorry madam, you have hit 40, time for your eyes to start breaking down. and sorry, it's not covered in the warranty. you didn't realise that it was not under lifetime warranty? then you should have read the fine print, dummy. the worse part is, my myopia isn't too hot either. i guess they forgot to tell me that. i can't see near and i can't see far. so, stand in between when i talk to you, ok? maaaaaaybe it's reading late into the night on the ipad. or the long hours in front of the computer screen. or the television to unwind. i seem to be moving from one lighted device to another. still, it's a lifestyle and it's not something that can change just because we want to.

2011 saw me saying goodbye over and over and over and over again. things are finally changing. life is impermanent, i get it, but i suck so terribly at change. outside i am cool, aloof, undisturbed but inside the little me is kicking, screaming and holding on to wall corners to stop from being dragged on to the next chapter. friends, relatives and even my nephew who i have watched growing up with my very eyes are all moving on. if i were to maintain a semblance of rationality, i will know that their one step away is one step closer to their future, and perhaps i should be glad for them. but not unless you drug the emotional 'little me' first.

2011 saw me breaking little traditions. i didn't bring her daughter for trick-or-treating this year as a result of circumstance. i see others physically moving away, but i myself am unconsciously taking one step further. did time soothe the wound or am i just hiding and pretending that it does not exist? i find myself needing an excuse to visit. did i need one then?my christmas tree is shorter this year. honey, i shrunk the tree. instead of the usual 3 parts, i only put up 2, and only because my daughter insisted on it. reflective of my mood for the holiday season perhaps. new year's eve will also be quiet and different this year. used to be warm with friends coming over and chatting through the night into the new year. this year, with all of them gone, i feel a little piece of my energy, my spirit, also gone with them. all i want to do is crawl into warm cozy bed and cover my head with the blanket. but i will not. i will find new traditions.

2011 saw me lost my son for several minutes and reminded me not to be lackadaisical about his presence. 2011 saw me holidaying with friends. it matters not where, when, how, why or what. it is always the who. i am one who craves human interaction. the sound of friends chatting, or simply being present, are soothing to my soul. 2011 saw a lot of frustration. life is more complicated because of one person. i am tip-toeing around her presence so as not to spark any fire or cause any turbulent waves. perhaps outside, in the dynamic world, but not at home where life should not be so tiring. but i don't like to dawdle on such and i turn the page in a hurry.

2011 saw a lot of people moving on. that perhaps is how i should sum up the year. the year of moving on.