i was just struck by how sweet she is. that eyes. that face. she was just so pure.

as far as i can remember, i don't think i've ever been to an orphanage, especially one with disabled children. the very idea of it scares me. new place. new environment. new situation. i feel like someone who has some degree of cenophobia, but not merely new things. the very idea of seeing kids who are helplessly lying around, unable to change their lives, unable to do anything for themselves pulls me into greater depths of gloom. i am not one to bounce back easily from depressive mood swings and so i rather send my well-wishes through a third party or through our boys in the snail mail service all this while.

however, i can't let my fear and apprehension hold me back forever, or more importantly, i can't let my fear and apprehension hold me back on educating my kids. they need to see, they need to witness with their very own eyes other children who are less fortunate and they need to cultivate their generosity and emphaty. no lesson is greater than living it.

i've put off visiting the place for more than half a year, but it was something that i wanted to do this year. yesterday morning, we gathered all the toys that they no longer played with, the books that they no longer read and with some money that they have saved from their allowance, we finally visited the orphanage.

before i went, i was afraid my cynicism will spoil everything. my hardness, my aloofness, my apathy. will i be very unhappy afterwards? will i cry? will i know how to interact with them? do i have to pretend to be nice? if you've ever seen the sweet, soft-spoken, patient, gentle and kind type, you'll know that i'm not it. but i've always let things run in circles in my mind for too long and thought about things too much. i decided to just go with the flow this time. que sera sera.

when i walked into the office, my cynicism in full gear as usual, a little girl on the floor, flipping through her magazine, waved at me. she had on a very sweet smile. it was like a scene from a typical donor's account. having read so many people's similar story, i was like living in a play-act. scene one, take one. she waved at me again when i was talking to the person-in-charge. i left the others and went to talk to her for a little while. i just couldn't resist her smile. at first i didnt know whether to converse in english or chinese, but i realise it didn't really matter. i liked talking to her, eventhough she has no idea what i was saying and i have no idea what she was saying. she said something, which i interpreted to be asking my name. i pointed to myself and said my name and i asked her hers. i heard her repeating the last syllable of my name softly. she couldn't quite tell me hers. she is 16 but is almost the size of a 12 year old. i have no idea how old her IQ is. her back bents forward as she sits on the floor because she has some back bone deformity. i talked to her a little more, and flipped the magazine with her. the man told me that they call her 'girl-girl' and explained to me patiently about her condition and the progress that they have had with her. i believe.

i looked up and saw my mother standing in the corner, lost and waiting. i stood up to leave and bid 'girl-girl' farewell. she waved back in return. i don't really want to leave. i want to spend a little bit more time with the girl that stole my heart with her smile. i can't remember the last time i've seen another smile so pure, with no hidden agenda or complications. i hope i will be back.