mourning

for so many months i've asked myself: will i cry? we've known for months that this day will come soon. i was inwardly appalled that everybody was so cool and detached about the whole thing. if the shoes were on my feet, i'll be crying endlessly until my eyes are puffy and red. i tear even at the very thought. how can everyone be so oblivious to the eternal farewell of someone who gave birth to you. it made me wonder what type of person she was and what type of life she lived that no one will mourn her death. if my life was so, was it a life wasted? if no one misses you, did you existed?

i can't judge them for i don't know their story. only my own. she was my grandmother and she brought me biscuits and sweets everytime she visited. and that was the extent of her closeness to me. she has never done any other grandmotherly stuff with me and she never cared anymore than that. or did my memory forget? perhaps that was how all grandmothers of that era was like. i remember her but i don't remember her. is that why her life was so bare - are our lives measured by the lives we touched? she is my grandmother and i mourn for her. i'm sadden that i'll never be able to look forward to her visits anymore, nor hear her voice. regardless of how aloof others are, despite our little interactions, i'm still left with a heavy heart. may you rest in peace =(