life's lesson

my daughter is teaching me life's lesson.

recently many things seem to go wrong. there was a sunday when everything that could go wrong did. a string of stuffs just broke down, each demanding my full attention. all i could do was heave a deep sigh and get on with it. the external hard disk drive where i have kept all their photos and videos was corrupted. the vacuum cleaner broke down. the computer was infected with virus. the kitchen glass window was in danger of falling out. the son needed a haircut. the niece needed help with finishing her assignment. the daughter was very frustrated because she couldn't get her laptop to work properly. it seems like the whole world was clawing at me.

things don't always work the way we want to. i have been sighing everyday whenever i think of my hard disk drive and the lost photos. i have also been sighing whenever i think of the new food thermos that the son has lost. it pulls me down, these thoughts. when i have a little chance to slow down and sit, my thoughts turn back to things that depress me. it is such a bad habit.

i told my daughter this. i am going to break this obsession and going to focus only on the positive. that's the problem with us. everyday there is good and bad. in everything there is something positive and negative. yet we often just accept the positive, take it for granted and merely focus on the negative, and let it fill you like it was everything. the daughter says, write down one good thing that happened everyday. write it in a book or something. she has been doing that for years; one good thing on her handphone every single day. that way we choose to focus and remember the good thing. one year later you may not remember the moment when you had that hilarious chopstick fight with your child to see who picked up peas the fastest but she chose to write it down. when times get rough, she can always take out the list and remember all the good times. what a wise little girl i have. she is and should be my role model. to be positive. to be resilient. to grab life and to live it to the fullest.

ellen degeneres (yes, i'm watching too much of ellen these days) said that the more you appreciate life, the more it gives you things to be appreciative of. karma.

today's moment of appreciation is that i have the best and most wonderful daughter and may she live happy, healthy and long.



not everyday is good, but there is good in everyday

winnie the pooh

could have been

clench your hand into a fist. now look at the bottom of your fist, the flat side that is along your pinky finger. just after the first three lines (that is the creases on your pinky finger) you will find a set of lines in between the third and 4th crease (which is your line of heart, the one that extends from your palm)

someone once told me that the number of lines show the number of children i will have. i remember that i had three lines when i was younger. i mused that i was going to have three children. however, i have over the years planned for only two and have been very careful to stick to my plan. recently, i looked at my hand again and the middle line has grown lighter and is now two broken lines instead of one continuous one.

i can't help but think that i may have wilfully stopped my third unborn (and even unformed and inexistent) child from coming to this world. somewhere there could have been, should have been, a big-sparkling-eyes, pig-tailed girl with the sweetest of smile waiting to hold my hand and call me mummy. it tugs at my heart so. i felt like i have lost something that i have never owned. 

remember this

yesterday was my last appointment with the eye doctor. it marks the closing of an interesting episode in my life, the turning of page into another chapter. the doc examined my eyesight and bone structure to see if i have completely healed since the surgery. i know i have, because i am not nervous around fast moving objects anymore. i do not cover up apprehensively when others play with balls around me. my body knows and that is how i know. i still have double vision when i look up though. i asked the doc if it will improve with time. the doc laughs. funny doc. love his reply. apparently i won't. it's something that i will have to live with. one decision, one mistake, one second and it changes your life forever. but it's not such a big deal. you just learn to live with it and move on.

i am forever grateful by the kindness that the doctor and nurses have shown me. perhaps i should have done more. i thought of chocolates. of cakes. and then i forgot. and now i regret.

i am grateful that there are still nice people out there. not just for material benefits. not just for something in return. a little gesture. a smile. a kind word. patience. sincerity. recognition. it validates your faith in the goodness of mankind and once in a while you really need to reminded that not everything / everyone in the world is ugly. especially in the world that i live in.

when was the last time you did something selfless for others? i will keep this thought in my heart and always be reminded.

another one

my birthday came and went. sometimes i wonder if we celebrate our birthday for the people around us or for ourselves.

some family members were also not enthusiastic about making efforts to mark any occasion and it is difficult to see them fake any semblance of enthusiasm for it. the boy didn't bother to wish me until i curiously prodded him. teenage doldrums, he claimed, ,which i can empathise, but not acquiesce. they wear me down with their inertia. i am disinclined to do anything to mark the day.

the girl came up with an elaborate treasure hunt, of which i am still attempting to unravel. for her time, for her effort, for her love, i am very grateful. for her reminder that it is fun to receive something from someone's heart, i am thankful. i have not receive something that came from the heart for the longest time. something that shows that someone adores you and savour your presence in their lives. for receiving that, i feel guilty. we all live in a sphere of unappreciation and self-centeredness. we go through our life often forgetting the people who has done and mean the most to us. i have gotten used to being that person that people forget.

a box of you

i keep the memories of her stored away in this little box, somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind. once a year i will take it out, dust off the cobwebs and the laughter, the banter, her unique way of interaction, her familiarity, all the flashes of my eighteen years with her spill out uncontrollably.

i see it in the window of my mind like clips of a short video. i watch it like a nonchalant bystander. the heart which i have quieten so long ago stirs with flickering of sadness.

i have since learnt to put up a floodgate. incase the surge pushes me over the brink. incase i cant return to sanity and to reality.

today is her birthday. i now see her only once a year because i have grown weak. i cant keep going to the deepest darkest pit in my mind and climb out unscathed, pretending that i am alright and move on with the world. i dont dare to confront my own self, my emotions, after i have been with her. i put it all back in the box and wait for another year.

she is the same. she is there. but not there, yet is still there. i know she listens. i can feel her consciousness as if it were my own. i wish i can do more. but i have learnt through my frustration that there are some things that you cannot change no matter how hard you tried.

i love you.

excessively delicate

it has been a very trying year thus far. one horrific plane disappearance followed by many other plane crashes. weird weather pattern, water supply rationing and literally breathtaking haze. one aunty found a lump in her breast and underwent mastectomy. another had strange growths along the outer walls of her intestines (?) which doctors are finding hard to diagnose. i myself had a very intimate encounter with a softball flying at 60kmh. i have been whining over the past years that time passes too fast, so fast that i can't even catch my breath but lately time has been inching along. which isn't a bad thing if it wasn't filled with unfortunate events but i guess i can't have one without the other.

i thought my episode with the softball was my big hurdle for this year, and i thought with the worst over, things will definitely pick up. but things seem to keep happening.

last week i headed off to phuket with the family for a uni-mates vacation, the first we have had in over 20 years. the plane ride wasn't the most comfortable, and me being all jittery about plane rides and absolutely abhoring all the turbulence that some crazy people (a.k.a. my son) will call "roller coaster ride", i was nervous from the moment the plane was on the tarmac ready for take-off. the weather didn't help at all. there was turbulence all the way. i tried to go to sleep but it's not easy when you are freaking out. after 1 hour and 10 minutes, the plane finally came down for landing. however it was raining heavily in phuket at that moment and the winds were strong. through the windows, i could see the heavy rainfall slashing at us and the wind shifting us uncertainly as our wheels were ready to hit the tarmac. i realised i have never, in all my years of flying, landed in such extreme weather condition. apparently the pilot shared the same thought and at the very last second, just as we were all bracing for the jolt from the landing, he pulled the plane up into a steep ascent again.

my heart would have dropped to the floor, had it not  been the second time it happened to me. one thought and only one thought kept flashing through my mind. that was how the taiwan and iran plane crashed - bad weather conditions. love how my mind screws with me. who needs enemies? i dearly hoped that the airport control tower foresaw this and did not plan to have any plane coming down for a landing from the opposite side. we circled in the air for another hour, waiting for the weather condition to improve. in the end, when thoughts of the plane crashing straight down from the sky because it has gone empty on fuel, the pilot announced that we are flying back to penang to refuel. ok, that's a good sign, right? the pilot was keeping an eye on the fuel gauge and i'll be having good old solid land under my feet again very soon. that was until the pilot said it will take another 45 minutes to fly there.

what can i do? i was at their mercy. i picked up my jaw which had fallen to the floor with the announcement and pretended to be very busy with the newspaper. and since this post did not materialise from the realm of the after-death i have survived the emotionally scarring flight, enjoyed the reunion with my old friends and made it back in one piece. hurrayyyyy. rejoiceeeee.

apparently i am someone who hurts herself a lot. to give you the short abridged version, post traumatic flight i stabbed my hand with a knife and had problem with stopping the bleed. normal people cut their hands but being the hardcore accidental freak i had to stab it and after that scrape it every once in a while so that it cannot heal. the next day i scraped the sole of my feet against something sharp. and i matched it with two bruises on my thigh a few days later. i'm wearing the wounds like fashion accessories. the latest is my second toe nail which has been pried up all the way. i have to be careful not to hit anything so that it doesn't get ripped out. i don't pay attention, that is the problem. sigh.

do you know that you are happy

only miss the sun when it starts to snow
only know you love her when you let her go
only know you've been high when you're feeling low
only hate the road when you're missing home

so goes the song playing softly in the background. it must be such a hard way to live your life, i ponder wistfully. never knowing the value of something and never appreciating it until it is gone. not that i am someone who knows myself in and out, left and right, through and through.

but to never being able to know the value of something until you no longer have it, happiness seem  forever out of reach. i know someone who says he is not sad, but neither is he happy. perhaps it is because he is not sad that he doesn't know that he is already happy. without one, he is unable to acknowledge the other. is that how others are also living their life?

the longest

june and july have been the longest months of this year. it started out with my nephew taking a break and staying over for 2 weeks after his final exams and the kids on a one week short break from school. it was a flurry of activities, despite the fact that my kids were going back to their finals after the break, and an orgasmic explosion of food for the visitor. japanese, korean, italian, malaysian, cantonese, western, teppanyaki, ipoh chicken rice, we tried it all for a varied palate. university and college visits to near and far, 1km fun run at the break of dawn (that was prior to the injury), baseball batting (who could ever forget that) and the subsequent pain, trauma and surgery.

then my brother and sister-in-law, who were bringing their daughter over to continue her high school,  came over for what was suppose to be a week, sans the soon-to-be college-attending daughter. there was a problem with the visa and she had to stay put in hong kong until everything was ironed out. that week was filled with nerve wrecking phone calls and fishing out contacts in the immigration to speed up the process because the school term was starting without her. it was also filled with another round of satiated food sampling; ipoh chicken rice, bak kut teh, more japanese, more korean, more local, more western and more italian. in between trying to resolve the visa issue and keeping the in laws entertained, whilst trying to juggle work and the kids, i had more than my handful.

at the end of that week, the father went home and in his place came my niece, along with her grandmother and aunty. more visitors. more entertaining. that week i was swamped with resolving the first day of school, opening bank account, sorting out phone cards and settling a teenager into a new home, new environment and new lifestyle. the visitors wanted to try (vomit) bak kut teh and ipoh chicken rice too. at one point in my life i had chicken rice every single day for lunch and i still could not get enough. that was definitely not now.

after another week of more food, stress, work, going nuts and a lot of driving, all the visitors have finally left. the girl is now settling into a new chapter of her life and we are all adjusting to having her around.

my top 10 instant noodles list

in the mysterious and colossal world wide web there exists a list of the top 10 ramen in the world. according to this one man, that is. i shall not reiterate his selection here but my interest was hooked immediately. i have been a fanatic for instant noodles ever since i can remember. a steaming hot bowl of instant noodles was the breakfast that kept me company in the still-dark early morning sky before i hit my teenage years, whilst waiting for my ride to school. it was just me and mr. noodle against the world every morning.

my dream meal will be instant noodle for breakfast, lunch and dinner, the only thing stopping me is the risk of cancer, becoming bald like the basketball and getting so fat i can't get through the door, of course. strange as it is, eventhough one packet packs 400 calories thereabouts, 3 meals of instant noodles make you fatter than any other diet of 1200 calories normally would. it's the "instant noodle arithmetical rule". apparently 1 + 1 does not equal 2 in the world of instant noodles.

so, anyway i set off on my quest to personally try all of the top 10. to make this guy's list, it must be heaven we are talking about. after much looking about, i found No. 2 of the list.

it costs a bomb as compared to the normal instant noodles we have on the shelves of our land. S$11 for 4 packets. the size is bigger, granted, and the packet flavourings are huge! i guess they are trying to convince us that they are worth the money.

verdict: the taste however is not what i had anticipated. there was a tad sweetness to the curry and the coconut (santan) was too overwhelming. upon double-checking i found out that the original critic was a gwailo, and perhaps that explains for the difference in taste. to us asians, and especially malaysians, a sweet curry is like a cardinal sin. they have not been able to capture the rich and aromatic curry sauce that is found in the best curry fish head and curry laksa that is to die for. bwaaaaaaa, such bitter disappointment for the number 1 fan of instant noodle.

i didn't give up though. no one calls themselves no. 1 fan by giving up after just one tasting. i went to the bottom of the list and tried NO. 10. it was a thai tom yam instant noodle.

for those who love it, tom yam is difficult to go wrong with. i am pretty easy to please with my tom yam. during my uni years, i brought a glass bottle of instant tom yam paste to keep me company throughout the difficult initial months when i didn't know how to cook squat. a small spoonful of it into everything made me felt right at home and opened up the appetite immediately.

so they didn't have to try too hard as the word 'tom yam' was already a passing grade in my book. the noodles were fried like our local mamee, which means that technically we can eat it straight as a snack so i tried not to cook it for too long to preserve the bite.

verdict: thanks to poor lighting, my photo wasn't exactly drool-inducing. overall, the instant noodle was fair, leaning slightly towards good, but not something that i will be going back to. i stuck to the exact volume of water i was suppose to use as written on the pack but i found it to be not tom-yammy enough. for a tom yam instant noodle, it was ok. for tom yam soup it failed miserably. maybe because the lemon grass and other ingredients weren't working hard enough and the MSG and preservatives were, or maybe i had too much expectation for a dried instant noodle flavouring. 

so after, reviewing 2 instant noodles, i was bitterly disappointed. i thought i could do better. i definitely preferred my choices more and i thought i will love the opportunity, and excuse, to try other instant noodles in the name of trying to find my top 10.

that was last month. 

one month later........ i have come up with zilch. i keep going back to my favourite few: maggi curry, myojo mee poh dry, korean shin ramyun and my latest, nissin teppan yakisoba japanese fried noodle. nothing beats my favourite and whilst buying other new selection seem like a good idea, when it actually comes to choosing and cooking, my hand will automatically sneak back to the old favourites. can't teach a dog new tricks, or in this case, new taste.

and as for the review, whilst other critics come up with description that will make your mouth salivate in anticipation, i can only sum it up with GOOD, VERY GOOD, OH WOW or EWWWW, NOT SO GOOD. not exactly eloquent.

project: failure. some people are just meant to open their mouth to eat and not to pass review. 

psychobabble

went for my 2nd checkup yesterday. doc held up two fingers and said, 'you are seeing less of a double vision'. was that a question or a fact? because no, doc, i wasn't seeing any less of it, i mumbled softly. 'the area of double vision is smaller', he persisted. errr, noooo? i felt like i had stepped into a hypnotherapist's room. is he psycho-messing with my brain, trying to convince me into recovery? payyyyy meeeee tripleeeee, he will be saying next if i am receptive of his suggestions.

falling

to all appearance, my injury has healed. the eye is no longer flushed with blood like edward cullen about to make a kill. the cheek area is not swollen and the eyelid is not bruised. the numbness in the cheek and lip is only slightly discernible to the perceptive by the tightness with which i smile. i look normal once again. only a friend who knows me well, with one glance, could tell that i was off. well, he wasn't telepathic or my soul mate. it just wasn't a very good day. the pain came back after i did some light spring cleaning and after too many hours of work behind the desk. it was probably stamped all over my face. eating, laughing and even just trying to carry up my end of the witty conversation was too taxing. i don't think i am quite ready to rejoin the social circle just yet.

i am that happy easy-go-lucky girl who handled my pain and injury with laughter and jokes. i choose to look on the bright side and be thankful for everything that has gone right. but today i realise i am also that girl who is on the edge of breaking down, that who is on the brink of neurosis. i wear the word 'traumatised' very lightly on the corner of my mouth but few take me seriously. i am anxious at the sight of people playing sports, chopping things, throwing stuffs, doing loud big actions around me. i jump when the cat leap to the side of my chair and the dog barks out of the blue. i panic when people say 'here, catch'. i can't think, can't function with noise and i need the quiet and tranquility to be at peace. i cry at the silliest and soppiest movie, but perhaps i have always done that. this morning, i looked at the mirror and saw that one iris was slightly higher than the other. that was the hair on the camel's back that pushed me into the spiraling abyss today. a million thoughts of gloom flew into my mind, unbidden and unwelcomed. i am drained. i have to remember that even though everything looks alright, i still need more time to recover....inside. and i have to take things slow.

one good thing to come out of all these.....i am finally eating slowly. i don't know if i am chewing more, like i should, but i don't gulp food down like a hungry ghost let out in the lunar month of july anymore. i have had that problem since the little ones were toddler (it's a survival technique. eat fast so that you can feed them or eat last) and it has led to so many digestive problem but i have never been able to stop myself. now all of a sudden i am cautiously picking at my food. i am afraid of the soup splashing into my eye, which is akin to striking lottery but nowadays i am striking so many lotteries, just not in the monetary sense.

so, on some days i will fall. i will want to cover up and hide. i will withdraw and cry. but i will stand up again and smile.