smile a little smile

i feel so lazy today. like i need to recuperate and take things easy for a while - not so much for my physical health but for my mental strength. lately a lot seems to be coming my way and i have put up the "no more bad news" sign but i believe destiny is "buta huruf".

i turn left and i'm faced with a hysterical maid whose 23 year old sister passed away suddenly. i turn right and i'm faced with another member of the household whose daughter tried to commit suicide, albeit unsucessfully. i log into ah pek's blog and he tells me tales of disagreement between his mother and wife ( i have been meaning to post an entry on unfilial sons and daughters for the longest time because i get so upset with people like that....wait...wait until i have more time on my hands and is not plagued with these unhappy moments). and then there is his tale of idiotic ricky and siblings.

i retreat and take a leisurely outing and aunty tells me story of old woman with 10 children, all grown up but refuses to share the $6000 bill for her to do a knee-cap surgery, thus leaving her incapacitated in the hospital for the longest time.

then, i read my mail and my new friend tells me how her husband doesn't know to appreciate her after many years of marriage. how she feels lonely, unloved and unwanted.

what is this world coming to? where is human decency and morality? where is kindness and love?

i refuse to be sad.

come on my friends, let's all be happy
put the things aside and stop feeling so crappy
just go out, do all the things that makes us merry
and not wait until we are old and in nappy.

i don't want to live my life moping
keep harping on sad issues and hoping
that tomorrow will be a better day for coping
or be in the dark everyday and groping

happiness is how we view it
whether we want to see the dark bit
or look at the happy side and let our smile the room lit
it's up to us how we want to hit

for lives will always be filled with ups and down
just when you get over one, there is more reason to frown
but hold our head up high and shout to the town
i'm still here and in misery i refuse to drown

i want to be laughing
appreciate everything and everybody i am loving
time is so short, don't be looking
for sorrow at each turning

for each story there is two side
if only from another's viewpoint we open our eyes wide
then we understand that there is no wrong or right
and we won't get so uptight

so, let's not judge
or hold any grudge
i want happiness, i will not budge
i'm sure you do too so i'll give you a little nudge

to walk along this road to happiness

it is throbbing!

*holding head in between hands* i have a headache. for a few days now. each morning when i wake up, even after a good night sleep, my good friend, mr headache, comes back to look for me. he only leaves when my head touches the pillow and konks out for the night. how thoughtful....but how miserable.

and my shoulders and neck feel so tensed and painful. backrub, anybody?

sigh! what should i do? i have a number of suggestions at the top of my mind.

1. dunk my brain in ice water to let it cool off......

2. use a plastic toy hammer to knock at the part that hurts to ease the pain.......

3. or use a real hammer to knock on my hands. body can only recognise one pain at a time.......

4. go for a head transplant........

5. read hilarious blogs and get my mind off the pain......

6. hibernate until winter....which will never come in our country.......

7. eat a bowl of chilli padi......same theory as the real hammer but this one with lots of vitamin c......

8. watch korean dramas, vcds after vcds, until brain also blur.......

9. go for yoga classes, maybe the exercise will do my body good. this is one of the more normal ones but since today is thursday, and it is my regular yoga slot, this sounds like a really sound idea.

10. go for a holiday in new zealand.....this one a little bit difficult to do at this very second, but i can still dream.....

cannot stress out my brain too much. anymore suggestions? eeeekkk. why didn't i think of just taking 2 panadols from day one? sigh!

ok, i'm going for that panadol now............
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what?! you are still here? what are you waiting for? free panadols ah? byeeeeee!

the master of blabbing

recently i had a chance encounter with a real si-fu, a master in her chosen field. she must have weathered so much trials and tribulations to be able to master her skills and honed them with such perfection. i take my hat off in awe of her abilities. i must make an effort to discover if she has learnt them from some ancient shaolin instruction manuals or plainly from the book of life. if only i can stand the strength of her powers long enough not to fall asleep.

this fine lady, aunty l, is a nurse who is presently looking after my grandma. poor granny has just undergone surgery for a broken femur and is slowly on the path of recovery. so, i have the fortune, or misfortune (depending on whose viewpoint you are looking from) to cross skills with her whenever i look in on granny.

me: ah mah ah, how are you feeling today?

granny: ahhh....i....

aunty l: today she is much better, look at her, so alert now, blah, blah, blah.

once she stopped, i ventured on...

me: did you see your favourite teow chew movies this morning?

granny: *opens mouth to begin talking*........

aunty l: let me tell you the list of her activities from the time she woke up this morning. first she got up, and then we..blah blah blah blah blah.

that lasted for a few good minutes. taking a deep breath, i tried again.

me: ah mah, have you eaten your lunch? must eat more hor.

granny: yaa...i.....

aunty l: wah, she eat so much today. the bowl of porridge was quite big, blah, blah, blah.

head spinning round and round and face rapidly turning blue, i tried again.

me: here is much better than your hometown, right? can see your sons and daughter and all your grandchildren. when we are free, we can just come and talk to you, no need take 3hours ride to talk to you.

grandma: hai......

aunty l: you really remind me of that tropicana man, hor. he also says things like that and ......blah blah blah.....that quek leng chan blah blah blah............i also take care of the tan & tan family........blah blah blah

i don't know at which point in time, my soul has left the body and an empty shell was sitting there, feigning an interested look. she went on and on, not waiting for me to keep up, and all i could do was put in a proper nod and a polite 'hmm' here and there.

after a few more tries at talking to my grandma, i gave up. she couldn't get a word in and i couldn't hold a proper and direct conversation with her, minus the commentaries from aunty l. it was too much for an inexperienced conversationalist like me. she could twart any topic into what she wants to talk about. for that matter, she can talk about any topic. she must be one bored lady.

all i know is, by the time my granny's leg has recovered, she may have forgotten her ability to speak since she will not get much chance to exercise it in the coming few months.

when a loud noise from nearby was heard, and granny asked what happened, i quickly pretended to investigate, took my bag and made my escape.

but how long can i hide?

is there a conspiracy against me?

today's entry is delivered in colloquial english.

i tak boleh tahan liao. anymore bad news come, i karate chop the sender. beware! you have been warned. bearer of bad news, please hold on to it for a little while until i can take a deep breath and be more mentally prepared.

today i have more than i can handle. one more. one more and i guarantee i will pengsan. so, unless you want to be the guilty party, scat!

first thing in the morning, her aunty called to say that they will send her to singapore for further medical treatment. sigh! i guess it is a good thing for her since they have very good doctors over there but it also means i will not be able to see her for some time. and her condition is so fragile now. i rushed over to see her for one more time. to give her more semangat, and maybe myself too, i told her to hang in there and get stronger over there, so that she can return to me very soon. macam lesbian like that. but what to do? only when you lose somebody, do you realise how vital they are in your everyday life.

second thing was a call from my cousin. she was the one who googled and found my first puppy love. the one that i wanted to meet up again so long ago but have forgotten about it for the longest time. anyway, she asked me if no. 1 gave me a call. she has asked me this so many times in the last month that i also malu to answer. remember the phone calls that i was waiting for? well, this guy was one of them. and that was last month. yap, he never bothered to call me back. so, i malu malu tell her that he has not bothered to call me. says a lot about me when my ex doesn't want to talk to me again, hor? but what to do? this is the fact. well, it seems that he called her out for lunch today....and that invitation has not been extended to me. sigh! never mind lor. what can i do? i must go stare in the mirror until my eye balls bulge out and find out what is wrong with me.

she later called to tell me that he didn't dare to call me because he felt that i was very busy and asked her to extend invitation to me. huh?!!! i just want to go hit my head against the wall. really tak boleh tahan. how to react? of course, i said i can't go. invitation at the eleventh hour, you think i so desperate meh. not tarik harga, but not cheap lidat mah. somemore said think i very busy. very clever! how he know this? got spy looking at me ah? don't give so many excuses lah. sad case. so long never see, no need to be like that mah. i am not stalker also. one point deducted from my confidence meter.

as if not yet die, another person gave me a kick in the stomach. someone that i don't know at all. accused me out of the blue of something that i did not do. i felt like the victim in justice pao movie, "yuen wong ahhhhhhhhh" (innocent ahhhhhhhh). after explaining, she finally believed me but the damage has been done to my weak heart and weaker soul. my hands shivering. my head spinning.

please, spare me. i can't take anymore.

the amazing medicine bag!

in response to leng-leng helen's curiousity, i unveil the miraculous mobile purple medicine cabinet. ta dah! clap clap clap.



as you can see, with my hand as a scale, it is really not that big.

ok. on with the life-saving things inside..........................

it's all there....erm, except for that empty vial of eye lubricant. what did you expect? it was empty.

so, the next time that any of you have a nagging headadche, or a small cut...you know who to look for.

good days and bad

i have learnt to put all my memories into an imaginary box. a beautiful rainbow-coloured box, complete with a beautiful ribbon on top. i have always told ah pek that memories are what our life is all about. at the end of the day, we look back and all that we have are memories. but i never realised that memories can be so painful.

it is too much for me to go through them now. so, i lay them gently in a box in a corner of my mind. until i have the courage to take them out again and go through them, one by one, and reminisce of the sweet old times that i had with her.

so, i go on without thinking of her, without remembering all the times we have spend together. some days, i carry on fine. some days, like today, it gets a little bit harder.

i dreamt of her last night. my brain is not playing fair. just as i find a way to carry on with my life normally, my subconscious mind threw me a curve ball. i dreamt that there was another her. another person who acts, talks and behaves like her. if you know her, you will know that this is impossible. no one has her energy, her directness and her sincerity. i only wish i could have held on to that her, even if it was only in my dreams.

i can't face her today. i can't find the courage to visit her in the hospital today. not when i can still see so clearly in my mind the image of her moving around, so full of life. yet, i feel so guilty. for not holding her hand and being by her side today.....

will i be able to leave all this hurt and pain behind me one day? i am afraid to, lest i shall forget her.

a tribute to mother.......'s silent supporter

when i said i will be a vegan for a little while, he didn't ask why. he didn't make a fuss nor try to influence my decision. he just made sure i had enough to eat.he was always careful to select places where i can find suitable nourishment to fill my tummy and silently supported by decision. he didn't try to tempt me with other food or try to break my resolve.

when he knew my best friend was sick and i have to visit her in the hospital daily, he didn't show his displeasure at the disruption it caused to the family's schedule. he took over the chauffering of the kids so that i can visit her with a peaceful mind. and when i am too tired to drive all the way to the hospital, he personally sends me there and waits quietly while i talk to her.

when he comes back after a long day at the office, he reaches for me and gives me a back rub because he knows that i had an equally stressful day.

when i send cher-cher to school even before the sun is breaking, i come back to a warm loving breakfast that he has prepared for me. sometimes, he even includes a small note to brighten my day.

when he knows i feel trapped in the daily grind of a mother's life and is suffocating, he dates me for a movie and a romantic dinner.

when he comes home at night, the first thing he does is switch on the water heater so that i can have a warm shower. and the second thing he does is re-charge the handphone for his very absent-minded wife.

he is always there to remind me how to be a good mother, a good daughter and a good person.

if i am a good mother, it is because i have him and his love.

moonlighting

a few weeks ago, i was forced to take up a part-time job. as if juggling motherhood and my existing career is not hard enough, i took on a new challenge. well, it was not like i had a choice anyway. so, let me share my experience with you.

my first and hopefully, only day on the job......as a nurse. but don't you have to be medically qualified to work in this choice of career, even if it is part-time? wellll.....i guess so but not in this case. read on, and you will soon understand.

i proceeded to don the very sexy and short *ahem* white uniform. hmmmm, it sure does wonders for my figure.i'll remember not to bend over, lest i cause a heart-attack to those fragile 'ah peks' in the clinic. suitably attired, i started work and took up the folder that held the names of the patients waiting. hmmmm.....it seems that there is one and only one patient waiting today. a mr. kom. strange surname. mr kom pew ter.

anyway, i lead him into the consultation room and instructed him to hop on the examination table. i took his pulse rate. he was moving a little slow recently and doesn't seem to be working to his full capacity. in fact, he collapsed several times in the recent week. instinct told me that he has been infected by virus, but i can't be sure. there are the symptoms, like slow to respond to instructions, popping up of irregular thoughts and actions and of course, the frequent collapse of the system.

the doctor was not around, so i gave him the usual dose of the anti-virus medicine. i know i should have waited for the expert.......but i was already familiar with what he would have done, so where is the harm. i was told that this pill by norton works wonders with atypical virus such as this. the latest 2006 model was very expensive but i figured it must be worth it. unfortunately, it didn't work. the test came back positive for a number of viruses but the norton pill couldn't eradicate it. at least not to my satisfaction. i tried to clean his system by giving him a wash-over but.......he was still running slow and i still had all these conflicting messages from him.

finally , i threw in the towel. i gave up. i sent him over to seng-kor's territory for the expert to have a look at it. i didn't see the big man himself but his people managed to help. and what did they do? they re-formated him.

and now, my com-pu-ter is back to normal and working fine.

thank you.

glimpse of the real me

today we shall embark on the unveiling of the real me. ta dah! who is ms lenglui? actually, come to think of it, it's such a silly name, thought of in a hurry. as people say, nobody praises you, you praise yourself lah. i cringe when i read it and gets goosepimples.....but it's a little too late to change that now. so, we move on.

people (again 'people'. i wonder who all these people are.) say that you can tell a lot from what is in a woman's handbag. ah ha! so, today, i empty my bag to show you the contents. i wanted to supply some visuals but i can't find the line that links my handphone to the computer, so you will just have to use your imagination. hmmm.... maybe that is the first hint to my character.

ok, on with the pouring out of my handbag. a second please....

the first thing i took out is a small purple bag with the cutest butterfly smiling back at me. this is my first aid bag - a very important accessory that i cannot leave home without. in this little bag, i have many small transparent bags. yes. bags within a bag within a bag. and i have the following inside:

1. a strip of clarinase, for days when the cold bug has me in its grip,
2. 2 strips of zantac.
3. 3 gelusil,if you know what these 2 medicines are, then you will have an idea of how bad my gastritis can get,
4. a strip of baike wan. ah ha! friends, this is the best chinese medicine to take when you feel your body aches and the flu is coming on. 1 tablet and you are better than new.
5. a strip of panadol flu & cold, chinese and western join forces mah.
6. vicks, for cher-cher's stuffy nose,
7. mopiko, for kor-kor's itchy legs,
8. a small bottle of axe brand medicated oil, not for when this aunty feels faint but when cher-cher gets tummy ache.
9. another small bag containing assortments of very cute plasters.
10. oronime ointment, this is useful for anything from cuts to razor burns and soreness, real or imaginary.
11. a small mirror - this can come in very useful - from checking out the guy at the next table to a subtle check on my lipstick.
12. 2 tubes of lipgloss - different colour for different mood.
13. an opened pack of strepsil for the frog in my throat or to appease crying children.
14. an empty used vial of refresh eye lubricant. now that it is empty, i have an excuse to wink at cute guys when the dust gets in my eye.

what a long list! and i have only just touch on the first thing from my handbag!

and the rest of the things:

15. a face mask, just in case seng-kor ask me out for a movie.
16. a hello kitty coin bag,
17. some yoga class passes,
18. a book entitled 'the monk who sold his ferrari',
19. a tube of sunblock cream which i don't use often enough
20. my wallet, i shall not go into that. that will take me forever to empty
21. a card holder for all those silly membership cards. they give out loyalty cards now for everything from bookshop to beddings. even underwears and illegal vcds!
22. of course, there is my ever-faithful handphone which i am rarely without.
23. scraps and pieces of paper which only makes sense to me and vouchers from here and there.
24. electronic passes
25. mp3 player,
26. 2 pens. why do i need 2? *scratching head*
27. keys
28. comb. strange since i never run a comb through my hair, not even at home.
29. 2 tubes of glue, for cher-cher. i really should start to take out some things in there....before it grows root and sprout more.
30. plastic fasteners...more things that i need to take out.
31. packet of tissue with one piece of tissue left.

hew! *wiping sweat from eyebrow*. no wonder my shoulder aches most of the time.

so, what can you tell from my bag?

i am confused!

today i visited her in the hospital, as usual. she's not doing too well.......sigh! i am more worried about her family. i know how tough things must be for them and how strong they are trying to be. only wish those 'well-meaning' idiotic relatives and insensitive dummies can just shut up and stop trying to meddle. anybody got an extra frying pan for head-smashing?

anyway, let's not dwell on depressing stuff. everybody is down enough without me hovering on such sad issues. today, let's talk about another topic.....sexuality. wah! all the guys suddenly perk up their attention and sit straight in their chairs, ears opened wide.

before your imagination runs wild, this is not an x-rated site, so there will not be talks of orgasm or g-spots (disappointed? sorry lor). there are other more stimulating sites for that purpose; i have no idea where the elusive g-spot is myself so i'll stick to familiar territory.

the other day, when i was talking to a guy friend, i realise that most guys have the opposite sex's characteristics and manners categorised neatly in a package. to a guy, a girl is sure to like desserts, cry over mushy movies, drive badly, get very emotional and excited when they hear of friends getting pregnant (he even showed me how we are supposed to react physically!), don't know peanuts about the computer and be totally ignorant over household repairs.....and i don't know what else.

is that what every guy thinks? that all women behave in the same exact way? that we automatically fit a list of feminine characteristics without saying?

i do wonder about my own sexuality at times.

for one, whenever i pass a d.i.y. shop, i have a very strong urge to wander along the aisles and check out what's new in the home-repair tools department. even if there is nothing to fix around the house, i can browse and spend hours in there. our toolbox at home is fully equipped for all types of 'emergency', probably more than my make-up box.

i change bulbs and starters, i repair toys and i am more adept with the computer than hubby dearest (and anything relating to modern gadgets, for that matter).

i dislike desserts and would much rather have a piece of steak with a glass of red wine. no, i don't crave for cakes and will definitely not pass over my main course for anything sweet. people give me strange stares when i say i don't like sweet stuffs.... what can i say? different people, different taste.

i do cry when i see sad movies but groups of gossiping women freak me out. when i see a group of women, i feign bad eyesight and walk quickly pass, or time constraint and quicken my steps. i'm bad at small talk and would rather get to the point whenever anyone calls me. that may come across as rude, i guess.....but i really suck at making pointless conversation.

i am hopeless when it comes to putting on creams and beauty products. i much rather spend the time lounging infront of the tv. i can be ready and out of the house in five minutes......a little bit indecisive when it comes to closet-choosing but otherwise, much faster than my dad and bro; or anyone else in the household.

discussion on hair saloon, beauty products and fashion bores me. once in a blue moon, you may catch me at a pedicure but if i have to visit one regularly, i will be brain dead by now and definitely starting to rot.

that doesn't mean that i have anything against women who know how to take care of themselves. it should be a woman's nature to do so, but if i don't, does that make me any less of a woman? if i don't fit nicely into the label, am i any less feministic?

i never thought so, but now i am confused.

counting the raindrops

one............................two..................three.................four

...................five........................six...............seven.................

eight.....................nine...........................ten........................

eleven.............twelve...........thirteen.......fourteen........

fifteen.......sixteen......seventeen.....eighteen.....nineteen

....twenty....twenty one....twenty-two....twenty-three

...twenty four...twenty five..twenty six..twenty seven

..twenty eight. twenty nine .thirty. thirty one.thir. ..two

..erm..three..er..thir........................never mind.