would you shave off all your hair in return for a $100,000 donation to charity? that question popped into my head this morning for no apparent reason than to mess with my vegetable state of mind. where do all these questions even come from??!

maybe once, eons ago, when i was young and impulsive, and all gungho about life and saving the world, i could have said yes. but even that is a narcissistic pretense of being all selfless and generous. i was a gawky self-conscious kid who wanted the whole world to like me. i don't believe i would have gone around with a bald dome for a few months to prove that i am all noble and charitable.

now that i'm a 40 year old, seemingly more confident woman, oblivious to the opinions of others, whom i now know are even more insecure than i beyond the layers and layers of pretentious exhibitionism, will i?

you will think that i would at least consider the possibility, since i claim not to care about what the public thinks of me being an extinct and protected bald-headed eagle. life however gets more complicated as you grow older and your thoughts follow in tandem. the first response that comes to mind is, heck i have that money, why do i need to shave off all my hair in order to get more to give it away? i've already got it in my pocket and all i've to do is loosen the purse strings and issue a cheque. which makes me wonder why all the rich wives and spouses of filthily wealthy politicians are so passionate about making appearances in support of fund-raising charities. many famous charities are chaired by people who can drown in their own money, but yet they are trying to raise more funds. is it alright to do charity with other people's money but not their own? i'm sure they are also donating on the side, but really, how much, i do wonder. they manage to raise $100,000....$1,000,000 even, and that is still merely loose change for them. the cynical side of me have no doubt that heading charities are great publicities and feed wonders to the narcissistic ego.

famous people are good for raising public awareness for the charity, the innocent and naive side of me argues. that's why i usually like to throttle her, she pulls me, my mind and my opinions to very different extremes. why do charities need public awareness if one filthy rich person can fund it full-time? public awareness so that other people are aware of the goodness that one is doing? devil-angel-devil-angel. i change sides faster than doctor jeckyl and mr hyde.

the other argument against shaving my crown glory is what becomes of the $100,000. oh, i believe i can come up with a thousand reasons just so that i will not have to concede. my cynicism has reached a point where i am cynical even of my own intentions and actions. not very fun. i know for a fact that the victims of the charities will not receive $100,000 in full. fair enough, given all the operating cost and pockets of greedy people that it has to fill. in the us of a, some charities employ professional fund-raisers and give them as much as 94.3% for their fees. probably why i see so many people from all types of charitable organisations standing around with their stalls in shopping centres with people who don't look very kind and volunteer-like asking you for your money. how can i tell the difference? i think it was the dollar signs shining a little too brightly in their eyes.

what can i say? charity is big business.

so, will i or won't i? definitely not. i don't need to sport a bald shiny head to announce that i am already doing charity and i don't need to let the whole world knows which charities i support, how much and when.

tired of people dissing on others. weary of name callings, back-stabbing and everything so negative. i just came away from a 2-day bread making course and i feel so tired. aside from having loads of completely newborn fresh information crammed into my brain within the span of 18 hours, sometimes with the aid of a foot jammed into my cranial area to further stomp it in, i am weary of interactions with superficial people. our head chef hates every single living thing in the world, by category. perhaps it's the french passion in him and that's how french people are. i read that somewhere.

still, being all optimistic and eternally 'high' seems superbly pretentious and 'dumb-blonde' to me. caught between a rock and a hard place i guess, that's neither here nor there. i don't need to be reminded of how dark the world is, how naturally selfish and bad mankind can be. what i need, is to be reminded once in a while that there is still beauty in the world, that life is still good, that under all the layers of grime and crap, that the underlying core of man is pure.

today morning, after the kids have gone to school and the hubs to work, i sat myself infront of the computer to check for updates on facebook, a routine i've practiced before i head off to the 'war-zone' myself. i typed a few cheeky comments in reply to daughter's posts and checked out some friends' updated status. then i came across jason kelly's latest post.

tears flow uncontrollably upon reading rie's last steps and the desolation that her mother is feeling right now, this very moment as i am typing these words, and probably will for a very long time. the loss of your children must be the worst nightmare for any parent and i shudder at the pain that she will have to endure for the rest of her life. when i think of that, and how hundreds of other parents are also experiencing the same heart-wrenching suffering in japan, i feel so helpless and hollow. my banter of only a few minutes ago feel so wrong and shallow.

i don't understand, and will never comprehend, how, and why one nation must bear such torment, such unfathomable sorrow. i've heard callous remarks by some that it's karma for all the pain that the japanese armies have caused during the second world war, but this is something that you will not even wish on your worst enemy. everybody, every single person in this epic disaster is innocent. there is no karma in thousands, and maybe tens of thousands, of people experiencing such horror, such pain, such torment. how do you live for the rest of your life with the image of having lost your loved ones in such a horrendous scenario? every single ticking of the clock, every minute of the day, the vivid images replay over and over again in your head. no life on earth should be worse than hell. yet they are so strong and so dignified in their grief. for that, the whole world salute them.

the 500 socks that we have hurriedly sourced, packed and shipped off seems like too small an effort, too measly a balm for their wound. should i send more? will it ever be enough? thank goodness for people like jason kelly, who braves the criticism of biting observers who have their hands folded infront of their body in dormancy. i thank him not only for the survivors who are receiving clean socks but also for people like me, who are able to do our very little bit for them, for giving us a chance to make the tiniest of contribution.

i feel very sorry for the survivors, but i am not stupid. i will not give cash donation (except for that one time to a temple which i figured if they don't forward the cash, it will still be to a temple after all) no matter how much i wish to help because i know, with so much certainty, that the money will never reach - no matter what organisation. the evidence is there for everyone to see. is there any report, ever, of any single survivor having received the money? has any government organisation received even a single yen? infact, the japanese government has not even made any request for cash assistance. so where the hell is the money right now? the hundreds, thousands and even millions that kind-hearted people have given out? there are a lot of very rich organisations and people out there right now, thanks to the japanese tsunami. if ever there was karma, perhaps these people should learn not to swindle from tragedy?

for me, after laying down my sadness here, i can turn off the pc with a click of the button and go about my day. for them, the survivors of the tsunami, they can never turn off the memories that are seared into their hearts.

on some days, life is a tiring journey. there are days when nothing goes right, when everything is a struggle and you need more than usual to fight the battle. yesterday was such a day.

this can be a post of how taxing the day was, how one thing went wrong after another and how superficial people can be but i choose it to be about the light at the end of the day. when i look back at this post many years later, when the memories of the little hurdles in life are vague and inconsequential, i want to remember the things that made me smile.

it was a 12 year old, with the biggest smile that i have ever seen to greet me. i can't remember the last time anyone was that excited to see me for a very very long time. i started out disliking this little boy even before i have met him because he has trespassed what i viewed as my privacy. i slowly came around to realise that it was because of his devotion to the subject in question. he is after all only 12. children are so pure, so simple in their actions. the first thought in their brains is translated immediately by their mouth. there are those that feel children are too childish, too immature and that the age gap is too great for any communication. those adults have long buried their innocence and the magic that are in their lives. in his eyes, i see all things clear and candid. an apple is an apple, an orange an orange. jadedness is absent and enthusiasm brimming to the top.

i wonder, where else can i find such pureness besides associating with 12-year-olds. i search inside of my mind for another circle that is a mirror to my perfect world, where everybody is pure and simple and where love is all around. there exists no parallel in the adult world. one day these children, who are infront of my eyes all beautiful and guileless, will grow up too and be affected by the world they live in. they will also grow to be jaded and cynical. a child knows what is right and what is wrong. adults have grey expanse where things can be tolerated, where wrong can be changed to be right. sometimes i forget and my daughter has to remind me.

why do people have to be so complicated, so full of ulterior motives, so insincere? perhaps it is time that adults stop whining about how full of experience they are, how wordly and mature they believe themselves to be and take a page from the days of a child.

if you keep very quiet, if your face is unreadable, people will come up with their own story. it's amusing to watch it unfold.

i sat there, a million thoughts running through my head while my mother sits in the dental chair. even when the body is stationary, the brain entertains you and brings you to wild and wondrous journeys. i kept myself amused trying to figure out what the various buttons meant on the dentist's state-of-the-art patient's chair, trying my hardest not to eavesdrop on the conversation that the dentist is having with his assistant. i watched them trying to mould a denture, which is most amusing, very much like me playing with playdough. i try my hardest not to grin, whilst i am clapping my hands gleefully inside, wishing i could have a hand in moulding and shaping. i am sure my mother will not be amused if i were to help shape her dentures. while i am wonderfully entertained, the dentist turned around and said to me, 'this process is very boring'. to which i am sure the expected answer should have been, 'oh no, it is very interesting' but how very cliche. i can't stand cliches and so i pretended not to hear him.

he resumed his task of trying out the mould, pushing and pulling, taking out and putting it back in. after a while, he turned once again and said to me, 'i am sorry for boring you', which strikes me as really odd. are dentists providing magic shows for entertainment on the side nowadays?i wanted to check myself out in the mirror to see if my face really reflected boredom but i resisted, wondering what on earth made him come to that conclusion. this is probably the part where i should have denied vehemently, 'oh no! i am wonderfully entertained. having the best time of my life actually' but again, i am not one for cliches. people sometimes put themselves down, or the situation, waiting to be reassured, waiting to hear something positive. for someone as recalcitrant as myself, they are probably in for a very long wait.
manners require me to reply 'nooooo', but that was as much as my wilful self will allow to conform to society.

he being all nice and polite, and i being such an ass, even if only inwardly. i can't stand hypocrisy, i can't help it. don't put yourself down if you don't really agree with it, and if you really agree with it, who am i to disagree with you :-p sigh. false manners are so pretensious, such hard work and effort. a page in the life of a cynic. i am horrible, i know it. and i'm not looking for people to disagree with me. :-p :-p :-p

my husband calls it growing pains. i have no name for it, only a certain unsettling phobia for deaths and overwhelming anguish. that i am no different than any other people i am sure, for who likes pain and sufferings, but at this moment of my journey i am on the brink of caving. my strongest virtue is empathy and perhaps also my weakest link. i cannot help but feel the pain that others are feeling and when i see sadness in their eyes, i share the grief too. for the last two years, i have attended more funerals than i had in my lifetime and i remember all too clearly each and every, including the pain that i see in their tears. whilst i know the dearly departed and are somehow related, i cannot be said to be close. still i am very unsettled and it takes me a very long time to recover, to forget, which until today i have not been able to do. only now the memories of my grandfather's death 16 years ago are slowly blending into the blurry images of time. i am particularly slow in adapting to matters of the heart. i imagine the pain and the sadness of those left behind, the days ahead, and the long journey behind. i am so very grateful that i am not in their position but tremble at the thought that i will be one day. i jolt awake in the middle of the night and i try my hardest to divert my attention but thoughts are like the raging river with no way of reigning it in. life has its ups and downs and it needs one to balance the other. at the moment there is no balance and i feel i have used up my stock of happy thoughts and warm fuzzy feelings. i need laughters, i need smiling faces and inspirational words. i need silly people and caring voices. i need to recharge. in the meantime, everybody. pleaseeeeee............. stay healthy and happy.

socks for japan

i'm living in a vacuum of apathy and detachment, my brain frozen of all thoughts and emotions. it's a little empty, a little cold where i am. i distract myself with a multitude of activities and movements. words that form in my brain are short, clipped and to the point. gone are the flowery expressions, the complications, the passion. life is easier when you don't think about it. i was informed that someone close is ill, to which i greet the news with more aloofness. the walls are dense. nothing seems to get through.

the first time round i was vastly disturbed. i wrestled with heavy emotions for days, knowing that someone out there, someone that i have never met nor know of my existence, was dying slowly and there was nothing i could do about it. someone that i have held my hand out to save but in the end, all i could do was stare vacantly at my empty hands. it won't be the first time that i watched someone die, perhaps this time not with my own two eyes. shouldn't someone do a little more, shouldn't someone have said a little more, i kept asking myself each time. this is after all a human life we are talking about. not knowing exactly when, the value of a human life has cheapened over time. comparing with pets in faux fur clothes and weekly spa visits, our lives have been rendered worthless, insignificant even.

with all the knowledge and experience that i have garnered over the years, i thought i was finally in the position to be of use to others, what little i could be. i don't know much but i was more than willing to share what i have learnt thus far in life. i watched one by one leave, and with each departure, there was a story, of what could have been, of what was done wrong and what was done right. my head still rings from the cold dark echoes of disembodied voices floating around like lost souls. 'do you want us to resuscitate?', 'it's just a flu', 'she is not moving, what should i do?', 'he was a very fit man', 'he's not eating'. that was all the wealth that i had to contribute back.

she was sick, with lung cancer. that was something i knew a little about, having walked down the road with a survivor once. i knew the formula, i knew the secret. i thought, during that moment in time, here was someone that i could save, even if not with my own bare hands, but with what i know. the doctor was 80% confident, and in that game it was miraculous odds. but the family wanted to gamble, they threw away that odds for ............something. what, i can not even begin to fathom! given a chance of survival, they didn't take it and opted for an alternative. what could they probably be seeking for? i was brimming with frustration for days. comprehension was beyond me. life is so fleeting, how can anyone choose for death? the patient wanted the chance to fight, she wanted to go for the treatments only to be told no, it's not the best choice for you. not even when the doctor was 80% convinced. my heart bled for her. not because she was ill, not because she was old, but because her family didn't love her enough. i shiver at her helplessness.

i know, and i understand, that outsiders will never appreciate the stories behind each tale. what were they thinking? what happened to make them come up with the decision, i will never comprehend. they must have their own justifications, of that i am certain. valid or otherwise, i cannot judge as a third party. i am trying my hardest not to judge, not to scream at them inside my brain and strangle their imaginary necks for failing to hold on to their mother's hand, for failing to take this most valuable opportunity of a second chance.

when i am told the story the second time round, i have grown jaded. apathy moves in to replace helplessness. i no longer try to convince anybody of what is the correct path. i don't even want to hear if i was right. sometimes there are no victory in being correct. i hope for once i am wrong.

how do you answer when you are asked 'what's up with you?', or 'what's happening?'. i seem to be asked that a lot. probably because i have a tendency to hide myself in some dark highly top secret cave-like hideout, aka my house, so people are always asking what's new with me. people don't get why i usually meet the question with a blank stare. errr.....pretty much the same?

hello? that is probably the easiest question in the world and you can't answer that??! that is my antagonistic split personality asking.

perhaps because i am a complicated person. i don't think people will be interested to hear about the latest corporate strategic operation in my company, or maybe they would but i'm not at liberty to say. insider-trading and stuff. i don't think they are keen to hear the minute daily-grind details of the things my kids are up to these days. the most boring conversationalist in this planet must be parents, especially brand-new ones fresh from the stork's mouth. my baby pooped twice today, or she just learned to crawl! hard to muster the enthusiasm when most babies do that.

i'm not too crazy either about listing the recent places i've been since i last saw whoever it is i'm talking to. holidays are only fun and memorable when you experience it, not when you have to hear someone yakking non-stop about it. however, i answer when i'm asked and friends seem to ask me that a lot, for lacking of other topics to chat about, i presume. besides, holidays are just a distraction for me, not a lifestyle, so there really isn't much to talk about in that department.

so, what do i answer? how do most people answer? let me look through my calendar for a minute now......i walked the threadmill yesterday, i spent 2 dumb days at the panasonic stadium last week where i was glued to the seat for hours and hours on end, i was stuck in traffic jam for 2 hours on friday, i am watching reruns of 'friends' every night, i just completed one painting and is halfway through another. i want to pick up cooking, photography and a whole load of other classes but i'm afraid i don't have the time to commit. there's no gas in my place at the moment. i'm going to the justin bieber concert. all too insignificant to mention, and too boring to bring up. when you haven't seen someone for some time, it's hard to pluck an update from the air, without going through a long detailed explanation of each.

what do normal people answer, pray tell?